HELLO! I AM ALIVE AND BACK BLOGGER.COM! THANK YOU FOR NOT CANCELLING OR ANYTHING DUE TO INACTIVITY
anyway, i've been convicted recently that I've been very purposeless and directionless with my free time these past 4-5 months. Hence, I plan to make better use of these 4-5 months before me. So I have decided to shoot for a goal: ambitious as it may sound, here it is:
Two Books of the Bible and 4 Books a month!
So, being February, the start of a new month, here are the goals I have set for THIS month!
Bible book 1: Numbers
Bible Book 2: Deuteronomy
Book 1: Prodigal God by Tim Keller
Book 2: The Man God Uses by Blackaby and Blackaby
Book 3: Twelve Ordinary Men
BOok 4: Twelve Extraordinary Women
Why do I do this? Sure, I said its because i've been aimless and purposeless. But GOd has given me a PURPOSE AND A GOAL for my walk with Him. I want to INCREASE MY CAPACITY TO EXPERIENCE HIM IN HIS FULLNESS AND INFINITE VASTNESS. So I, as a vessel, as a container, wish to be expanded. How does reading a lot produce this effect? Truthfully, I don't know if it will. But I have been convicted to return to a habit of READING SCRIPTURE VORACIOUSLY! And to again fall in love with reading about Him and His Hand through history. Even the unmatchably joyful experience of falling asleep to the writings of giants of faith sound super appealing to me. I have a burning hunger to devour everything about my God, and as I read, I hope that hunger only leads me to more and more treasures of faith!
So FEBRUARY HERE I COME!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, November 12, 2010
Revelations over the Past Couple Weeks
I am slowly beginning to see just how God has been molding me and using the circumstances of my life to teach the things He wants me to learn. And everyday, it's a heart-wrenching battle because I see more and more the depths of depravity of my soul and flesh. But there is a positive side to it. I'm beginning to truly understand what surrender means. Praise the Lord!
Over the last couple weeks, God's been honing my discernment over my own motives. The motives that I take to ALL actions. It's like this example I heard awhile back and gave at my visit to USC ReComm: "If someone compliments you, and you deny the compliment KNOWING it'll only bring affirmation from the giver of the compliment, are you being modest and humble, or are you fishing for more?" This one is really easy to see. But God has been showing me that I've been on the surface level doing SOOO many things like that. Passing off my acts as one thing, but the motives of my heart are altogether somewhere else.
And the clearer a picture I get of my motives, the true state of my wickedness is revealed to me. I cannot be self-less. I cannot be loving. I cannot be wise. And all seems hopeless. And that is why, my QT's have been so refreshing. Yes, it's only been about four or five days since I've taken this new attitude to QT's, but since then, I've been blown away by the freshness of Scripture, my growing love for it, and my growing dependence. When I wake up, remind myself that my own wretchedness is beyond description, and question... "Patrick how long do you think you're gonna last on your own strength?" I immediately RUN to Scripture. Perhaps this sounds cliche, but as this blog has become a journal of sorts for me, I wanted to record this attitude for future reminder.
If I were to attempt an analysis of why this particular time, this realization hit home, I would say it's because of this realization: I had been depending on my "time" as a Christian to carry me through my walk. Born-again Christian for 9, almost 10 years, serving at church since senior year high school, heavily involved in college ministry, etc etc...Ultimately, the things add up to a not-so-modest spiritual resume. And subconsciously, I had seen myself "expecting" to have grown because it's been so long. Now, this sounds like a common struggle, and perhaps it is, but when not just the head realizes, but the HEART does as well, it's a period of brokenness.
What's funny is that when you "expect" to have grown, you behave like you did grow. And when you "feel" like you've grown, you lose that aspect of surrender. You're suddenly slightly more knowledgeable, slightly more "pure," slightly more everything good. And when you, of your own, are slightly more everything good, the obvious consequence is that you need less of Christ.Yes, yes, yes. It's cliche, You've heard it all before. But for me, this will be a constant struggle to live in REMEMBRANCE of this realization. Will I constantly be checking myself, running away from the fleshy desires of superficial surface-level spiritual maturation?
I see the work God is doing. I've been praying for my spiritual eyes to be opened, and I see that in one dimension He is opening my eyes to be sensitive to my own motivations. My flesh hates to be in that state of surrender, that state of helplessness, but my soul rejoices and every morning I truly experience the Lord's new mercies.
Father God,
Thank you for having worked behind the scenes in my life to give me that sensitivity into my own heart. Thank you for revealing to me the true nature of my wickedness once again. And I thank you for being my comfort and joy and my redeeming salvation despite that wickedness. In Jesus' name, would you seal the work you have done? May I remember always this experience of brokenness, and this experience of total hopelessness. Not just to be bummed out, but to have that desperation to look for a Redeemer. To never have the audacity to think I can stand on my own. But it's by mercy and grace alone that I have the HOPE to continue INTO CHRIST'S PERFECTION! In my life, may my weaknesses be magnified, so that YOUR strength be glorified.
Over the last couple weeks, God's been honing my discernment over my own motives. The motives that I take to ALL actions. It's like this example I heard awhile back and gave at my visit to USC ReComm: "If someone compliments you, and you deny the compliment KNOWING it'll only bring affirmation from the giver of the compliment, are you being modest and humble, or are you fishing for more?" This one is really easy to see. But God has been showing me that I've been on the surface level doing SOOO many things like that. Passing off my acts as one thing, but the motives of my heart are altogether somewhere else.
And the clearer a picture I get of my motives, the true state of my wickedness is revealed to me. I cannot be self-less. I cannot be loving. I cannot be wise. And all seems hopeless. And that is why, my QT's have been so refreshing. Yes, it's only been about four or five days since I've taken this new attitude to QT's, but since then, I've been blown away by the freshness of Scripture, my growing love for it, and my growing dependence. When I wake up, remind myself that my own wretchedness is beyond description, and question... "Patrick how long do you think you're gonna last on your own strength?" I immediately RUN to Scripture. Perhaps this sounds cliche, but as this blog has become a journal of sorts for me, I wanted to record this attitude for future reminder.
If I were to attempt an analysis of why this particular time, this realization hit home, I would say it's because of this realization: I had been depending on my "time" as a Christian to carry me through my walk. Born-again Christian for 9, almost 10 years, serving at church since senior year high school, heavily involved in college ministry, etc etc...Ultimately, the things add up to a not-so-modest spiritual resume. And subconsciously, I had seen myself "expecting" to have grown because it's been so long. Now, this sounds like a common struggle, and perhaps it is, but when not just the head realizes, but the HEART does as well, it's a period of brokenness.
What's funny is that when you "expect" to have grown, you behave like you did grow. And when you "feel" like you've grown, you lose that aspect of surrender. You're suddenly slightly more knowledgeable, slightly more "pure," slightly more everything good. And when you, of your own, are slightly more everything good, the obvious consequence is that you need less of Christ.Yes, yes, yes. It's cliche, You've heard it all before. But for me, this will be a constant struggle to live in REMEMBRANCE of this realization. Will I constantly be checking myself, running away from the fleshy desires of superficial surface-level spiritual maturation?
I see the work God is doing. I've been praying for my spiritual eyes to be opened, and I see that in one dimension He is opening my eyes to be sensitive to my own motivations. My flesh hates to be in that state of surrender, that state of helplessness, but my soul rejoices and every morning I truly experience the Lord's new mercies.
Father God,
Thank you for having worked behind the scenes in my life to give me that sensitivity into my own heart. Thank you for revealing to me the true nature of my wickedness once again. And I thank you for being my comfort and joy and my redeeming salvation despite that wickedness. In Jesus' name, would you seal the work you have done? May I remember always this experience of brokenness, and this experience of total hopelessness. Not just to be bummed out, but to have that desperation to look for a Redeemer. To never have the audacity to think I can stand on my own. But it's by mercy and grace alone that I have the HOPE to continue INTO CHRIST'S PERFECTION! In my life, may my weaknesses be magnified, so that YOUR strength be glorified.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Intercession
God, would you teach me to be an intercessor?
Teach me the difference between wishing the best and praying.
Teach me to pray specifically for every soul, the needs of every heart, and not throw up ambiguous, all-encompassing generalizations that I want to pass off as prayer.
Teach me to pray and cast my worries and anxieties on you, because nothing is resolved by worrying. Teach me to pray for OTHERS' worries and anxieties, that YOU may bring that same peace to them.
Teach me to pray boldly: not for easier circumstances, but for STRENGTH in STRENGTH-TESTING circumstances.
Teach me to know that should every form of service disappear from my activities, I can continue to SERVE in PRAYER.
Teach me ultimately not to carry out the ACT of prayer, but the ATTITUDE of prayer.
"Prayer does not fit us for the greater work, prayer is the greater work." --Oswald Chambers
"I would rather train twenty men to pray, than a thousand to preach; A minister's highest mission ought to be to teach his people to pray." -H. MacGregor
Teach me the difference between wishing the best and praying.
Teach me to pray specifically for every soul, the needs of every heart, and not throw up ambiguous, all-encompassing generalizations that I want to pass off as prayer.
Teach me to pray and cast my worries and anxieties on you, because nothing is resolved by worrying. Teach me to pray for OTHERS' worries and anxieties, that YOU may bring that same peace to them.
Teach me to pray boldly: not for easier circumstances, but for STRENGTH in STRENGTH-TESTING circumstances.
Teach me to know that should every form of service disappear from my activities, I can continue to SERVE in PRAYER.
Teach me ultimately not to carry out the ACT of prayer, but the ATTITUDE of prayer.
"Prayer does not fit us for the greater work, prayer is the greater work." --Oswald Chambers
"I would rather train twenty men to pray, than a thousand to preach; A minister's highest mission ought to be to teach his people to pray." -H. MacGregor
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Goals for the Month
1. Read (Scripture, Books, News): Get Educated.Get SOUL-fed.
2. Personal Statement: Goal is to finish by Dec 10th!!
3. Pray: for family finances, family relationships, for Jennifer's college/major direction
4. Learn something! (Guitar, a language, ANYTHING). Get Started NOW!!
5. Pray for ONETHING...
2. Personal Statement: Goal is to finish by Dec 10th!!
3. Pray: for family finances, family relationships, for Jennifer's college/major direction
4. Learn something! (Guitar, a language, ANYTHING). Get Started NOW!!
5. Pray for ONETHING...
Monday, November 1, 2010
Future Prayer Requests
Lord, I want to thank you. And give you glory for all that You do. You hear the cries of the desperate and pleading, and you pour out mercy and grace.
God you know that for the past few months/ maybe even a year, my prayer has been to have an opportunity to leave this place. Leave the home of my parents and really have an opportunity to start my life anew. With my own sovereignty, and really test my own resolve and man/adult-hood.
But Father, at the same time I want to honor my parents. I know that You know that it's such a huge temptation to think, "i'm boning out of this place next year. Why bother investing in this family anymore? I'll be starting my own in 5-10 years."
But I recall the brokenness. The lovelessness. The fighting and the bickering. The flaws in every single one of my family members including myself. Sure, it's easier to just run away. But God, I want to commit to praying for them. Despite my history in this household, despite the bad memories, I know that you have placed me into this family to bless it. And it hasn't been all bad. There were plenty of celebrations, plenty of fond memories.
God I want to remember you in this family. Because I love you, give me the strength and the tenacity, the 끈기 to hold stubbornly to praying for them. Please, Lord, Give me the strength to honor this family in Your name.
Other Prayer requests:
Law school environment: Churches
ONETHING conference
God you know that for the past few months/ maybe even a year, my prayer has been to have an opportunity to leave this place. Leave the home of my parents and really have an opportunity to start my life anew. With my own sovereignty, and really test my own resolve and man/adult-hood.
But Father, at the same time I want to honor my parents. I know that You know that it's such a huge temptation to think, "i'm boning out of this place next year. Why bother investing in this family anymore? I'll be starting my own in 5-10 years."
But I recall the brokenness. The lovelessness. The fighting and the bickering. The flaws in every single one of my family members including myself. Sure, it's easier to just run away. But God, I want to commit to praying for them. Despite my history in this household, despite the bad memories, I know that you have placed me into this family to bless it. And it hasn't been all bad. There were plenty of celebrations, plenty of fond memories.
God I want to remember you in this family. Because I love you, give me the strength and the tenacity, the 끈기 to hold stubbornly to praying for them. Please, Lord, Give me the strength to honor this family in Your name.
Other Prayer requests:
Law school environment: Churches
ONETHING conference
Sunday, October 3, 2010
You are the Sovereign God
God... I want to give you Glory and Honor.
You are truly the God who hears. And the God who has experienced all that I am experiencing, and will experience.
I want to thank You for stirring my heart to take the course of action that You led me to take. I can see taht it was from You because the fruit was good. It showed me an aspect with which I could pity and sympathize with. And I saw the source of their stubbornness. Thank You God for making me vulnerable. Thank You for making us vulnerable, despite the argument we had earlier.
I may not have a manual to teach me how to handle every conflict. But it is just as reassuring to know that You are walking with me, there to guide me in EACH conflict.
You are the God of peace. And I truly had an experience even now, where I witnessed your shalom unfold within this conflict.
Praise be to You!
You are truly the God who hears. And the God who has experienced all that I am experiencing, and will experience.
I want to thank You for stirring my heart to take the course of action that You led me to take. I can see taht it was from You because the fruit was good. It showed me an aspect with which I could pity and sympathize with. And I saw the source of their stubbornness. Thank You God for making me vulnerable. Thank You for making us vulnerable, despite the argument we had earlier.
I may not have a manual to teach me how to handle every conflict. But it is just as reassuring to know that You are walking with me, there to guide me in EACH conflict.
You are the God of peace. And I truly had an experience even now, where I witnessed your shalom unfold within this conflict.
Praise be to You!
What do I do now?
God... PLEASE show me the point in this struggle. I've tried and tried to take everything from their perspective. I've tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, to place myself in their shoes. I've tried, genuinely. But I don't know how to keep the peace any longer. I don't know if it's right to keep the peace any longer.
I don't know whether to attribute it to the generational gap, the cultural gap, or just the uniqueness of their stubbornness. There is no compromise in our discussions Lord. How can you call it a compromise when they demand not 98, not 99, but 100% of every term of their demands? What do you do when they refuse to yield any part?
Do I hurt them where it hurts? Do I bear it now and just disappear from their lives? What's the right thing to do God?
How much of an effort must I make to keep the peace? How much must I honor? At what point do I lose any self-dignity of my own in yielding so much? At what point do I stop being taken seriously for not having convictions of my own, when I continue to yield as much as I do?
Only you know the struggle I am going through. You assure me that you've faced every hardship and can share in every pain. You know the effort I've poured out in the last few months to mend and reform this relationship that was ALWAYS in conflict. I tried so hard to make it not merely a coexistence but a thriving relationship. God, I've invested and yielded and sacrificed. And for awhlie, it's been working. But I don't see them meeting me ANY part down the road of reconciliation. I don't even ask to meet at the half-way, it can be at the 10% their side, 90% mine, but they don't even give me that. Must I still yield Lord?
Where is the line God?
I don't know whether to attribute it to the generational gap, the cultural gap, or just the uniqueness of their stubbornness. There is no compromise in our discussions Lord. How can you call it a compromise when they demand not 98, not 99, but 100% of every term of their demands? What do you do when they refuse to yield any part?
Do I hurt them where it hurts? Do I bear it now and just disappear from their lives? What's the right thing to do God?
How much of an effort must I make to keep the peace? How much must I honor? At what point do I lose any self-dignity of my own in yielding so much? At what point do I stop being taken seriously for not having convictions of my own, when I continue to yield as much as I do?
Only you know the struggle I am going through. You assure me that you've faced every hardship and can share in every pain. You know the effort I've poured out in the last few months to mend and reform this relationship that was ALWAYS in conflict. I tried so hard to make it not merely a coexistence but a thriving relationship. God, I've invested and yielded and sacrificed. And for awhlie, it's been working. But I don't see them meeting me ANY part down the road of reconciliation. I don't even ask to meet at the half-way, it can be at the 10% their side, 90% mine, but they don't even give me that. Must I still yield Lord?
Where is the line God?
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