Single-Mindedness

So... for my Trojan class, we're entering the season of being post-grads. And as the number of days increase since our graduation, I'm coming to realize exactly how divided and distracted my heart has been. What I mean by this is that the singular desire to pursue and be pursued by God has been curved, twisted, or interrupted by so many other concerns as of late.

It's funny how Satan works; we know fully well how sovereign and mighty and "for us" our God was in our undergraduate years, but when the (arguably) more important season of the open-ended future comes, we tell God, "ok God, I let you do Your thing for that time. I want it back now!" At least that's how it's been for me these last few days. Undergraduate education has been, what I consider, the prepping period. And maybe in light of the immediacy of impending concerns and how I succumbed to it, one interpretation might even be that I failed to put into use all that prepping until God brought me to this realization.

So... what are these concerns? Law school, for one. The location of the school and specialization of law that I decide on will have a huge bearing on many different things regarding my lifestyle: obviously money, number of workhours (and hence free time, too), (very likely) the search for a new home church for 3(+) years, etc. And secondly, money. I don't know exactly how many of my friends know this, since I don't advertise this much, but my dad's construction company has yet to find a job/client in over a year, closing in on a year and a half. Living off savings for that long is draining financially, but also draining in terms of hope and optimism. I guess both of these kind of make up my prayer requests as well...

I remember the day that God showed me a vision for what He could potentially be wanting me to do. I was at GLDI, maybe week 4 or so of 7 weeks, and Dr. Kim and Dr. Pak were saying something I really hated hearing..."Ask God for Your vision! He has one for You! Ask for it to be made known now!" I didn't hate it because I didnt' believe it to be true. But in the back of my mind, I was reserving questions like, "What if God doesn't intend to show me my vision for years to come?" and "Do visions come in situations like this where you're motivated to ask for it simply because a speaker tells you to?"

I had an epiphany the other day about this. I believe, as I think most Christians would, that all of God's servants labor for the Kingdom of God with a vision. Without God's vision motivating them and pushing them on, it becomes an ego-trip just to see how much the individual can accomplish.The sacredness and "set-apartness" of their actions is stripped away without that vision. The point is... does God not equip those He puts to work? and wouldn't vision be one of those things that God equips His workers with? Then if I am so fearful or hesitant in receiving a vision and believing it is from God Himself, I was forced to ask myself, "Am I unfit to be put to work as I am now?"

I told a few people about the vision that God shown me at GLDI. I am still scared of the grandness of it. In fact, for all the above reasons, financial crisis in the home, worries of lawschool and the future, the vision seems even bleaker at times. If that vision is a road, it used to be a straight road. Now it's become a winding, curving road with rest stops every 5 miles that tempt me to get off and just lounge there, tempting me to forget my destination.

But our God is a Faithful Father. I am reassured that God is for me, and He will be with me along the way. What can our Father not provide if we ask Him in earnest? If my prayer is for boldness of faith, to be able to believe that God will see His vision for me through, then I believe whole-heartedly that that faith will come! The kind of reckless abandon and utter surrender into His plans.

So God, this is my petition for strength, for single-mindedness. I want to be faithful to the vision You call me to. Who knows, I may not see it to completion, I may only be one of the many people who will come after that will see this vision to its end. But I want to be faithful to You. I want to be equipped, and I want to be sent to work! God I know You WANT to put me to work. So I ask Lord that You refine my actions and my motives to be singularly in pursuit of You and this vision. Show me the who, what when, where and how, because You have shown me why. And as I pursue that, Father, I believe You will take care of all things along the way.

And this is my request of friends... that they would spur me on in this same singlemindedness when I stray. That whenever I begin to doubt, that they lead me back to remembering the Faithfulness of the Father. For acocuntability.

Some post-sisters' appreciation reflections

I was wrong...

I thought that people were spending superfluous time celebrating what I once viewed as needless and made-up-to-be-untolerably-romantic events. This may have taken the form of valentine's or anniversaries or what-not. But my view has changed after sisters'

Over the course of my stay at USC undergrad, i've had the privilege to meet and befriend and grow attached to a body of believers so unprecedentedly closely. So this past wednesday was sisters' appreciation. Last year, USC threw what i thought was the best sisters' appreciation (obvious bias due to my own recomm), with chicken wine dinner, fondue fountains, gifts, the works. I took pride in the creativity of each of the guys, their participation, and our ability to put on a great night!

This year was drastically different. Our membership had grown so quickly (could ONLY be the work of God as answer to prayer) And as sisters' approached, God showed me a different way to view them. In the community that I have come to love through ReComm, knowing that the girls comprised of now more than half our membership, i was filled with a different passion. Not to put on a great sisters' appreciation night but for our sisters to genuinely enjoy and relax in a night in which the guys take up the work. With this kind of attitude, the planning, at least for me, became so free-flowing. Not thinking about the PRESSURE of putting on a great night, but remembering that each girl here was a precious GIFT God had given to me in our SC community, i wanted to honor them and give them the best night of their school years.

To what degree the SC guys accomplished that is really only up to the SC girls to judge. But... i made a connection that night. Anniversaries and romantic days i thought extraneous before... (100-days, 1-month, 6-month anniversaries, valentines, etc etc) There is a reason for them. Perhaps i was just too young and naive before to appreciate those days in this way. SC ReComm has shown me that it's not a burden to remember and celebrate, but if i cherish a particular something (be it a girl or ReComm), it should be natural.

It excites me. To think that i have yet to feel this way for some one/people. To be so utterly grateful always for the person(s) in my life. And it won't always be confined to romance. Even just to realize on a complete different plane of experience how precious my friends are, or my family; i can't wait!

So God,
I await Your appointed time for which those relationships in my life take on that special meaning, the kind of meaning like was revealed to me at sisters' on wednesday. But for now, if there is one relationship which i need that special meaning revealed NOW, it is my relationship with You, Father. God, I have tried of my own efforts to draw near to you, even when I was counseled that it could not be done, I, in my own efforts and vanity, tried to get close to You. But God, i confess that i'm tired and exhausted and wasted from my own efforts. I need you to come near.

When I Feel Like I'm at an Impasse

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Remembering that God is in Control

I am so weak of faith. I still see myself planning and organizing my agendas according to my timetable, when in fact God has proven to me that its not my schedule He runs by but His own. So... here's what's been happening in the past few days/weeks in my head:

The first time God showed His own agenda for Recomm: When I thought and worried and stressed about potentially having to take the role of LA Recomm Leader/ praise leader, God showed me that He works according to His plans. His Work is SOOOO much grander than our projections of it. He showed me that my place was not something so limited and obvious as just becoming the LA leader/praise, but He had plans to birth another ministry entirely on my own home campus!! That is an endeavor no one had predicted. But as a junior, so timid and weak and fearful, yet driven by a GLDI-sized faith in God, I was ready to walk alongside Him and work at SC Recomm!

As time went on, however, and leadership changed, and I come to my last semester at USC, my Recomm- ambitions and faith had shrunk. I had run myself into a rut: everything was the same. The same members, the same bible study, even the same yearly event schedule (fall: olympics, banquet, happy together, sisters... etc). Even more so, I began to think... will SC Recomm next year be juniors leading bible study to other juniors/seniors? Will half our membership graduate with no one to fill its vaccuum?

And then God showed me again... He is faithful, and His plans are greater than mine. I think God really intended to encourage me these past few weeks and restore me to a stronger faith in Him. As soon as I had written down on my teuksae prayer request... for SC Recomm growth, that very week our membership doubles out of nowhere. What amazes me most is... the members in our Recomm who brought newcomers out have probably had those relationships for months, maybe even years. But it was THAT particular week, when God really chose to speak. My interpretation is that He acted during the week of Teuksae in order to speak to me, specifically and individually, whose faith had grown so small in the God who provides, and leave NO DOUBT that my efforts are in HIS grand plan, and not the other way around.

So how does this apply to the now?
I've been fearful. Fearful that if I don't pursue what I want immediately, that I won't have it ever. My wants have been so strong. And my wants have not been bathed in prayer. I already see myself going down a road where I would run myself into further ruts by the work of my own power. But I want to take a different approach. "Holy" ambitions can be corrupt. And I am not a finished product... I see much more refining to be done.
So for now, I take it in faith that God will bring me back to my desires when He sees me ready for them. And I travel the road laid before me... without another hesitation.
(wow... that last bit... talk about abstract)

God, You have shown me how faithful You are.
You have shown me that my efforts, my dreams, and my ambitions are all a fraction of the greater story You are writing. I want to remember always that You are the God who provides. That You know better than I. Always. So increase my faith God, to place my trust in you and find joy in knowing I do not travel into hardship alone. =D

Luke 7:1-10... Jesus Heals a Centurion's Servant

"1When Jesus had finished saying all this in the hearing of the people, he entered Capernaum. 2There a centurion's servant, whom his master valued highly, was sick and about to die. 3The centurion heard of Jesus and sent some elders of the Jews to him, asking him to come and heal his servant. 4When they came to Jesus, they pleaded earnestly with him, "This man deserves to have you do this, 5because he loves our nation and has built our synagogue." 6So Jesus went with them.
He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: "Lord, don't trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. 7That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. 8For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."
9When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, "I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel." 10Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well.

What a role model! When I examine the text, I pick up on a number of things.
First: Biblical Authority: 99 soldiers could easily overpower one captain, but the concept of authority means that the 99 will listen. Pastor David's seminar on authority: a 4-ton truck running at 80mph will stop to an immediate halt in the face of a 130lb woman police officer, even though the truck can easily run over the woman, because of authority. The Centurion has experience with authority, but he seems also to be a captain of soldiers who respect him.
Second: The Centurion merely hears of Jesus' exploits and is desperate enough to trust based on hearsay. This seems to imply that he has reached a point of utter hopelessness, so much so that he is jumping at any way to heal his servant.
Third: The Centurion lived a life of peace and harmony, maybe even friendship with the Jewish elders of Capernaum. Despite being a soldier for the Roman army, the Centurion has contacts among Jewish leaders who would care enough to help him heal his servant. Already, the Centurion's desperation leads the Jewish leaders to leave an open mind about Jesus as the Christ (i assume). Though the text does not say, the Roman Centurion's faith might have served as a way of proselytizing indirectly. Seeing their Roman friend desperate enough to clutch to Jesus for healing of his servant, the Jews must have looked on in anticipation. Would it be too far a stretch to think that a few of these Jewish elders came to see Jesus as the Messiah as the Centurion did?
Fourth: The Jewish, religious heads have the wrong notion of worth. One would expect that the religious elders would be fully aware that no one is deserving of grace or mercy or healing, but the Jewish religious leaders plead the Centurion's case as one who has accomplished enough to deserve this miracle. The resume of having built the synagogue and loving the nation, they assume, is enough to warrant the grace of God toward his servant. Ironic that the people who should understand grace and mercy best have the worst idea of it.
Fifth: The Roman soldier, the Centurion is the one who actually has the concept of worth right. He realizes that he is undeserving, despite his spiritual resume, to have his friend/servant healed. So humble is he, that he sends friends to stop inconveniencing the Messiah from taking further steps toward his home. Perhaps out of a fear that he knows he is filthy in light of the Messiah, he clutches to Jesus as his hope but simultaneously fears his righteousness for he knows he is unrighteous.
Sixth: The text does not mention a Jesus amazed by the Centurion's works: building the synagogue or loving the nation. Most people would be tempted to believe that someone who would invest into building the religious house of worship for another people group might be considered charitable and worthy of praise, but Jesus does not even lift a brow at the mention of it. Nor does he care whether the Roman loves the Jewish nation/people. What amazes him is the faith of the Centurion, a faith enough to say that God is Lord over life and death, master over it to the extent that he can heal from afar.

Closing thoughts: I feel that more and more, I've been considering myself worthy. That I've built my own synagogues and have worked my way into deserving a place in front of the Savior. But the centurion reminds me that it is the meek who will inherit the earth.

God,
I want to understand Your authority more and more. I want to understand that your authority reigns not over my personal life, or my church life, but in the smallest areas. I don't want to submit only the obvious areas of my life to Your authority, but You deserve to be Lord over the tiniest things of my life. Teach me to submit to Your authority and to quit depending on my own.
Also, teach me to genuinely humble. Not humble so that I can appear humble. But in light of the Cross, I ask a dangerous prayer of being shown just how wicked and filthy I am. So that I will be utterly hopeless but to the cling to the cross. Show me God that I am undeserving, but in grace and mercy I have received.
Finally, God would you increase my faith. There are areas of my life which I cannot let go of. Some places of my life I hold to be of too high a price to let go. God remind me that You are far more capable of managing my life than I am. You are good, in both my strong and weak faith, but God would you grace me to increase my faith, to more relish in the sovereignty of God over my life.
In Christ's name,
Amen

New Year's Resolutions

So... it's 2010. Normally i'm not one for New Year's resolutions... but following Urbana, and following Retreat, i've been convicted to make a few commitments. So here they go:

1. More intimacy with God. I commit not to go online or pick up any phone calls each day until I've done my QT.
2. Work toward financial independence. Goal: 50% independence by Dec 31st, 2010.
3. Exercise & diet. Reach target fitness and cut-ness!!!
4. Finish the race that is school well. No slacking in the last semester. Take advantage of everything

Rejoicing in Weakness

Earlier today, i wanted to write on the topic of jealousy. But now, i think i have a more pressing concern: helplessness. Throughout the events that have occurred in my life... i've come to feel very disempowered, and at times utterly helpless.

I could write libraries' worth of pages on the topic of the stripping of power and independence and authority, but I shall spare the stories to avoid indulging in hate. But I just want to write out this prayer of surrender:

Father God,
You have promised to work for the good of those who love You. I want to make claim on that promise. In so many arenas of my life, I feel things are out of my control. I feel I've been led by the hand into a corner with no escape, all the while people expect me to burst forth and create my own escape. The future is uncertain and even though I have made steps to walk out in faith, nothing has changed. God, if You mean to change me, would you transform me as quickly as You would. And if circumstance is to change, please change them hastily. I hate being at another person's mercy and whim. God allow me a glimpse of the fruit to be borne of this suffering, even if i cannot obtain that fruit right now. In my wretched and pathetic helplessness, I come broken and defeated to the foot of the Cross. May I rest in the shadow of the Cross and emerge empowered in the Holy Spirit. May I die to all other hopes but Christ alone.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9