Normally, I wouldn't post another entry so soon. But this was something that I had to post. God, you hear my prayers in all that you do, whether I'm aware or not. And... as you direct me and lead me to think ahead to the future, to pray for the wife that you will one day entrust to me, you give me a direction and a goal for my stage of singlehood.
Not because it is new information, or because it is unheard of for me, but you give an apt word at apt times. So God, may this poem by St. Anthony of Padua be the prayer of my heart, and the preparation of my soul, until you bring that person into my life.
BE SATISFIED IN ME
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But to a Christian, God says, "No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.
Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else.
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing . . . one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best.
Please allow me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that’s all.
Don’t be anxious, don’t worry
Don’t look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don’t look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to me,
Or you’ll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me
And the life I’ve prepared for you,
You won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me.
And this is perfect love.
And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love.
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me.
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union
Of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
For I am God. Believe it and be satisfied.
God, thank you for that reminder. You are worthy of my all.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Hearing Voices
So... I've got some good news, some GREAT news, and some bad news.
Good news is... through good friends, I'm learning to discern the voices of the Spirits, both good and bad. The good is but a whisper, and the bad... oh the bad is bad! It feeds on my fears, plays to my weaknesses, builds up my pride to make me all the more impervious to pride-breaking moments of brokenness.
Great news is... by the grace of God I have been given an opportunity to go to Onething Conference this December. I have many hopes, and expectations, none greater than to hear the voice of God as loudly as I can for my life. So... in preparation, I know that God is calling me to do a total vacuuming of my heart before then. To prepare myself. Not to go last year as I did, with no readiness or prep, but to take practical steps to get right with him.
So here comes the bad news: the beginnings of the vacuum.
Hm...pride is freagn scary. I thought hearing occasionally my peers, or leaders, or even recomm/family group members talk about pride, I felt unfamiliar with the struggle. Man, do I understand now. Pride is the thing that says, "wait, you've been a leader for how many years? and you're still struggling with THAT?" or the voice that goes, "but what will people think of you? your friends are gonna think you're still a kid!" What's more, it builds you up, saying "Dude, you're awesome!" which makes that realization that you're not... all the more heartbreaking.
In my current walk of life, I've discovered two of the most obvious sins in my life. One is idolatry. The other is pride.
My idolatry tells me, that I am SOOO heavily emotionally and physically invested into my replacement gods. I've made idols of things both inanimate and animate. People have become my idols. Standards have become my idols. Comfort has become my idol.
God, give me the strength not to be like Terah, who was given the call to go to Canaan even before Abraham, but instead settled in Haran. Show me how to venture past my Haran and into Canaan (Gen 11:31). Would you entirely sweep away the comfort of the land of Haran, and direct my path upon Canaan. Whether my Haran be the people and friends and relationships I'm comfortable in, or the standards and comforts I've come to embrace and become so slothful in spiritually.
Also, Father God, the pride of my heart is astounding. It's preventing me from taking the necessary steps I KNOW you've placed before me. God... even if it costs me EVERYTHING, give me yourself. So break me, break my relationships, break my reputation, break anything that is needed God, for me to have more of You. But give me more of You.
Good news is... through good friends, I'm learning to discern the voices of the Spirits, both good and bad. The good is but a whisper, and the bad... oh the bad is bad! It feeds on my fears, plays to my weaknesses, builds up my pride to make me all the more impervious to pride-breaking moments of brokenness.
Great news is... by the grace of God I have been given an opportunity to go to Onething Conference this December. I have many hopes, and expectations, none greater than to hear the voice of God as loudly as I can for my life. So... in preparation, I know that God is calling me to do a total vacuuming of my heart before then. To prepare myself. Not to go last year as I did, with no readiness or prep, but to take practical steps to get right with him.
So here comes the bad news: the beginnings of the vacuum.
Hm...pride is freagn scary. I thought hearing occasionally my peers, or leaders, or even recomm/family group members talk about pride, I felt unfamiliar with the struggle. Man, do I understand now. Pride is the thing that says, "wait, you've been a leader for how many years? and you're still struggling with THAT?" or the voice that goes, "but what will people think of you? your friends are gonna think you're still a kid!" What's more, it builds you up, saying "Dude, you're awesome!" which makes that realization that you're not... all the more heartbreaking.
In my current walk of life, I've discovered two of the most obvious sins in my life. One is idolatry. The other is pride.
My idolatry tells me, that I am SOOO heavily emotionally and physically invested into my replacement gods. I've made idols of things both inanimate and animate. People have become my idols. Standards have become my idols. Comfort has become my idol.
God, give me the strength not to be like Terah, who was given the call to go to Canaan even before Abraham, but instead settled in Haran. Show me how to venture past my Haran and into Canaan (Gen 11:31). Would you entirely sweep away the comfort of the land of Haran, and direct my path upon Canaan. Whether my Haran be the people and friends and relationships I'm comfortable in, or the standards and comforts I've come to embrace and become so slothful in spiritually.
Also, Father God, the pride of my heart is astounding. It's preventing me from taking the necessary steps I KNOW you've placed before me. God... even if it costs me EVERYTHING, give me yourself. So break me, break my relationships, break my reputation, break anything that is needed God, for me to have more of You. But give me more of You.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Some Meditations on My Current Course...
In his heart a man plans his course,
But the Lord determines his steps.
--Proverbs 16:9
There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan
that can succeed against the Lord.
--Proverbs 21:30
Many are the plans in a man's heart,
But it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
--Proverbs 19:21
All a man's ways seem right to him,
But the Lord weighs the heart.
--Proverbs 21:2
The Lord works out everything for his own ends
--Proverbs 16:4a
God... I am beginning to see where my energies are being spent. I'm beginning to realize that my tiredness, my exhaustion, both mentally and emotionally, are coming from one source. In only a span of 5 chapters of Proverbs, Solomon repeatedly emphasizes just how futile planning and preparing can be. In the end, I can sharpen my metaphorical sword and train my metaphorical body into rock-hard abs and beastly biceps and whatnot, but in the end, all that energy is wasted if not in you. The first and fourth verses, in particular, combined have a very dire implication: my definition of right plans is simply a distortion that discloses my wickedness. "Holy" ambitions, and "good" intentions... maybe they're not what they describe.
God, teach me to measure my heart not by my sinful nature but by Your standards. Teach me to discern where my energies are wasted, and not simply wasted, but opposed to Your plans. Teach me to discern Your purpose, and to have the strength of faith to let go when I find my original plans are inconsistent with Yours. In the end, may You be glorified. In the end, may You be lifted up in my life. And in the end, may my heart sing that You are good and the Lord of my heart.
Increase my hunger for joy in You. May the satisfaction you receive be my sustenance. May I be teachable in times of growth and molding. May I be meek and humble, may I be reflective and repentant. God...
The joy of the Lord is my strength.
--Neh. 8:10
All things came into being through Him,
and apart from Him
nothing came into being
that has come into being.
--John 1:3
***
I thought this might be funny... for those of you who've noticed the increasing number of white hairs I've been getting these days...
Gray hair is a crown of splendor;
It is attained by a righteous life.
--Proverbs 16:31
But the Lord determines his steps.
--Proverbs 16:9
There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan
that can succeed against the Lord.
--Proverbs 21:30
Many are the plans in a man's heart,
But it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
--Proverbs 19:21
All a man's ways seem right to him,
But the Lord weighs the heart.
--Proverbs 21:2
The Lord works out everything for his own ends
--Proverbs 16:4a
God... I am beginning to see where my energies are being spent. I'm beginning to realize that my tiredness, my exhaustion, both mentally and emotionally, are coming from one source. In only a span of 5 chapters of Proverbs, Solomon repeatedly emphasizes just how futile planning and preparing can be. In the end, I can sharpen my metaphorical sword and train my metaphorical body into rock-hard abs and beastly biceps and whatnot, but in the end, all that energy is wasted if not in you. The first and fourth verses, in particular, combined have a very dire implication: my definition of right plans is simply a distortion that discloses my wickedness. "Holy" ambitions, and "good" intentions... maybe they're not what they describe.
God, teach me to measure my heart not by my sinful nature but by Your standards. Teach me to discern where my energies are wasted, and not simply wasted, but opposed to Your plans. Teach me to discern Your purpose, and to have the strength of faith to let go when I find my original plans are inconsistent with Yours. In the end, may You be glorified. In the end, may You be lifted up in my life. And in the end, may my heart sing that You are good and the Lord of my heart.
Increase my hunger for joy in You. May the satisfaction you receive be my sustenance. May I be teachable in times of growth and molding. May I be meek and humble, may I be reflective and repentant. God...
The joy of the Lord is my strength.
--Neh. 8:10
All things came into being through Him,
and apart from Him
nothing came into being
that has come into being.
--John 1:3
***
I thought this might be funny... for those of you who've noticed the increasing number of white hairs I've been getting these days...
Gray hair is a crown of splendor;
It is attained by a righteous life.
--Proverbs 16:31
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
the luxuries of a private ranting journal... =D
Pet Peeve of the YEAR!!!
- the MISUSE of the word "I", such as when used as an object
Facebook is littered with pictures and i hear people all over the place making this mistake. So one may ask why I post it on a "relatively" private blog, instead of on a facebook note or something...
Truth be told, I don't know why. I think it may have to do with being concerned that pet peeves inevitably carry with it irritation, and that's never pleasant. But I would like a place to vent this out. So, here it goes:
The word "I" was, is, and will always be... a SUBJECT NOUN!
When people write captions on facebook photos or talk about things they did with another individual, they often write, "this person and I." So what's the big deal? This is a gross misuse of the subject "I," because in writing these photo captions, the implied intent is... "(this is a picture of) john and ME," or "(this is a picture of) jane and ME"
Why is the use of "I" wrong in this case? Because the noun is not followed by any action. Instead, the picture is OF people, OF OBJECTS!! Therefore, the OBJECTIVE noun must be used.
Grammar review: But people say things like... "He is faster than I" and isn't that correct?
Yes!! It is. But that's because there is an implied verb at the end: "He is faster than I (am)."
Maybe certain people don't realize when they misuse the subjective and objective nouns of "Me" and "I." Here are a few examples I can think of:
* Previously mentioned photo captions: "John and I at Mount Rushmore" (no action)
* "John got this for Jane and I" (object/recipient of action)
* "The secret is between you and I" (object)
Here is a link to further clarify:
http://homeworktips.about.com/od/homeworkhelp/a/iandme.htm
- the MISUSE of the word "I", such as when used as an object
Facebook is littered with pictures and i hear people all over the place making this mistake. So one may ask why I post it on a "relatively" private blog, instead of on a facebook note or something...
Truth be told, I don't know why. I think it may have to do with being concerned that pet peeves inevitably carry with it irritation, and that's never pleasant. But I would like a place to vent this out. So, here it goes:
The word "I" was, is, and will always be... a SUBJECT NOUN!
When people write captions on facebook photos or talk about things they did with another individual, they often write, "this person and I." So what's the big deal? This is a gross misuse of the subject "I," because in writing these photo captions, the implied intent is... "(this is a picture of) john and ME," or "(this is a picture of) jane and ME"
Why is the use of "I" wrong in this case? Because the noun is not followed by any action. Instead, the picture is OF people, OF OBJECTS!! Therefore, the OBJECTIVE noun must be used.
Grammar review: But people say things like... "He is faster than I" and isn't that correct?
Yes!! It is. But that's because there is an implied verb at the end: "He is faster than I (am)."
Maybe certain people don't realize when they misuse the subjective and objective nouns of "Me" and "I." Here are a few examples I can think of:
* Previously mentioned photo captions: "John and I at Mount Rushmore" (no action)
* "John got this for Jane and I" (object/recipient of action)
* "The secret is between you and I" (object)
Here is a link to further clarify:
http://homeworktips.about.com/od/homeworkhelp/a/iandme.htm
Monday, June 7, 2010
Trust is...
Trust is hard to win. But what if sometimes, you've done everything you can? You've met every requirement, lived up to every expectation, satisfied every desire, only to have the bar raised each time you've succeeeded without ever receiving that trust.
Do you give up? Do you trudge on?
I've spent so many hours of my life envying others and wishing circumstances were different. I don't know what to do anymore. How do you "win" something that, as you inch closer to the goal, suddenly disappears again into the distance?
God, I realized, as much as certain people are putting me into this situation, I put You in it as well. Every time you have fulfilled all my hopes and desires and more, I enter a new stage of life and again, take back that trust I gave to You. As I went through high school and college, I saw Your faithfulness and goodness, and You had my total trust and faith, but I see possible events in the near horizon that I don't want to see happen. Losing friendships, relationships, and spiritual community, as well as the difficulties of a new tier of academics. ("academics evolved into... ACADEMICMON!!! =D). My trust of You has been like a game of hot-potato with 2 people: I tossed it to you and took it back, to and fro, over and over.
In this time of uncertainty, in this hazy year of question marks, God, would you be my one absolute? Give me the desire in my heart to find nothing more solid than you, to depend on no person more than my Saviour. I never want to take back the trust I have placed in you.
Do you give up? Do you trudge on?
I've spent so many hours of my life envying others and wishing circumstances were different. I don't know what to do anymore. How do you "win" something that, as you inch closer to the goal, suddenly disappears again into the distance?
God, I realized, as much as certain people are putting me into this situation, I put You in it as well. Every time you have fulfilled all my hopes and desires and more, I enter a new stage of life and again, take back that trust I gave to You. As I went through high school and college, I saw Your faithfulness and goodness, and You had my total trust and faith, but I see possible events in the near horizon that I don't want to see happen. Losing friendships, relationships, and spiritual community, as well as the difficulties of a new tier of academics. ("academics evolved into... ACADEMICMON!!! =D). My trust of You has been like a game of hot-potato with 2 people: I tossed it to you and took it back, to and fro, over and over.
In this time of uncertainty, in this hazy year of question marks, God, would you be my one absolute? Give me the desire in my heart to find nothing more solid than you, to depend on no person more than my Saviour. I never want to take back the trust I have placed in you.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Reminders
God, would you give me the heart of Hosea?
Would you show me that nothing I ever endure or put up with compares with how often and how grievously I wrong you. Teach me not to judge. And teach me to commit to a love that is unfathomable, a love that holds no record of wrongs, a love that delights in goodness.
For I am no different than that prostitute-wife. I have the relationship with a God who commits me to like Hosea did. Teach me to go that next step, and be Hosea-like to that one individual. And let me take true delight in any change that comes, and if no change does come, then to yield myself to admitting, "vengeance is the Lord's." I lay everything into Your hands, and ask for strength simply to love from here on out...
I refuse to be brought down. I WILL live in the joy that I have found.
Would you show me that nothing I ever endure or put up with compares with how often and how grievously I wrong you. Teach me not to judge. And teach me to commit to a love that is unfathomable, a love that holds no record of wrongs, a love that delights in goodness.
For I am no different than that prostitute-wife. I have the relationship with a God who commits me to like Hosea did. Teach me to go that next step, and be Hosea-like to that one individual. And let me take true delight in any change that comes, and if no change does come, then to yield myself to admitting, "vengeance is the Lord's." I lay everything into Your hands, and ask for strength simply to love from here on out...
I refuse to be brought down. I WILL live in the joy that I have found.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Single-Mindedness
So... for my Trojan class, we're entering the season of being post-grads. And as the number of days increase since our graduation, I'm coming to realize exactly how divided and distracted my heart has been. What I mean by this is that the singular desire to pursue and be pursued by God has been curved, twisted, or interrupted by so many other concerns as of late.
It's funny how Satan works; we know fully well how sovereign and mighty and "for us" our God was in our undergraduate years, but when the (arguably) more important season of the open-ended future comes, we tell God, "ok God, I let you do Your thing for that time. I want it back now!" At least that's how it's been for me these last few days. Undergraduate education has been, what I consider, the prepping period. And maybe in light of the immediacy of impending concerns and how I succumbed to it, one interpretation might even be that I failed to put into use all that prepping until God brought me to this realization.
So... what are these concerns? Law school, for one. The location of the school and specialization of law that I decide on will have a huge bearing on many different things regarding my lifestyle: obviously money, number of workhours (and hence free time, too), (very likely) the search for a new home church for 3(+) years, etc. And secondly, money. I don't know exactly how many of my friends know this, since I don't advertise this much, but my dad's construction company has yet to find a job/client in over a year, closing in on a year and a half. Living off savings for that long is draining financially, but also draining in terms of hope and optimism. I guess both of these kind of make up my prayer requests as well...
I remember the day that God showed me a vision for what He could potentially be wanting me to do. I was at GLDI, maybe week 4 or so of 7 weeks, and Dr. Kim and Dr. Pak were saying something I really hated hearing..."Ask God for Your vision! He has one for You! Ask for it to be made known now!" I didn't hate it because I didnt' believe it to be true. But in the back of my mind, I was reserving questions like, "What if God doesn't intend to show me my vision for years to come?" and "Do visions come in situations like this where you're motivated to ask for it simply because a speaker tells you to?"
I had an epiphany the other day about this. I believe, as I think most Christians would, that all of God's servants labor for the Kingdom of God with a vision. Without God's vision motivating them and pushing them on, it becomes an ego-trip just to see how much the individual can accomplish.The sacredness and "set-apartness" of their actions is stripped away without that vision. The point is... does God not equip those He puts to work? and wouldn't vision be one of those things that God equips His workers with? Then if I am so fearful or hesitant in receiving a vision and believing it is from God Himself, I was forced to ask myself, "Am I unfit to be put to work as I am now?"
I told a few people about the vision that God shown me at GLDI. I am still scared of the grandness of it. In fact, for all the above reasons, financial crisis in the home, worries of lawschool and the future, the vision seems even bleaker at times. If that vision is a road, it used to be a straight road. Now it's become a winding, curving road with rest stops every 5 miles that tempt me to get off and just lounge there, tempting me to forget my destination.
But our God is a Faithful Father. I am reassured that God is for me, and He will be with me along the way. What can our Father not provide if we ask Him in earnest? If my prayer is for boldness of faith, to be able to believe that God will see His vision for me through, then I believe whole-heartedly that that faith will come! The kind of reckless abandon and utter surrender into His plans.
So God, this is my petition for strength, for single-mindedness. I want to be faithful to the vision You call me to. Who knows, I may not see it to completion, I may only be one of the many people who will come after that will see this vision to its end. But I want to be faithful to You. I want to be equipped, and I want to be sent to work! God I know You WANT to put me to work. So I ask Lord that You refine my actions and my motives to be singularly in pursuit of You and this vision. Show me the who, what when, where and how, because You have shown me why. And as I pursue that, Father, I believe You will take care of all things along the way.
And this is my request of friends... that they would spur me on in this same singlemindedness when I stray. That whenever I begin to doubt, that they lead me back to remembering the Faithfulness of the Father. For acocuntability.
It's funny how Satan works; we know fully well how sovereign and mighty and "for us" our God was in our undergraduate years, but when the (arguably) more important season of the open-ended future comes, we tell God, "ok God, I let you do Your thing for that time. I want it back now!" At least that's how it's been for me these last few days. Undergraduate education has been, what I consider, the prepping period. And maybe in light of the immediacy of impending concerns and how I succumbed to it, one interpretation might even be that I failed to put into use all that prepping until God brought me to this realization.
So... what are these concerns? Law school, for one. The location of the school and specialization of law that I decide on will have a huge bearing on many different things regarding my lifestyle: obviously money, number of workhours (and hence free time, too), (very likely) the search for a new home church for 3(+) years, etc. And secondly, money. I don't know exactly how many of my friends know this, since I don't advertise this much, but my dad's construction company has yet to find a job/client in over a year, closing in on a year and a half. Living off savings for that long is draining financially, but also draining in terms of hope and optimism. I guess both of these kind of make up my prayer requests as well...
I remember the day that God showed me a vision for what He could potentially be wanting me to do. I was at GLDI, maybe week 4 or so of 7 weeks, and Dr. Kim and Dr. Pak were saying something I really hated hearing..."Ask God for Your vision! He has one for You! Ask for it to be made known now!" I didn't hate it because I didnt' believe it to be true. But in the back of my mind, I was reserving questions like, "What if God doesn't intend to show me my vision for years to come?" and "Do visions come in situations like this where you're motivated to ask for it simply because a speaker tells you to?"
I had an epiphany the other day about this. I believe, as I think most Christians would, that all of God's servants labor for the Kingdom of God with a vision. Without God's vision motivating them and pushing them on, it becomes an ego-trip just to see how much the individual can accomplish.The sacredness and "set-apartness" of their actions is stripped away without that vision. The point is... does God not equip those He puts to work? and wouldn't vision be one of those things that God equips His workers with? Then if I am so fearful or hesitant in receiving a vision and believing it is from God Himself, I was forced to ask myself, "Am I unfit to be put to work as I am now?"
I told a few people about the vision that God shown me at GLDI. I am still scared of the grandness of it. In fact, for all the above reasons, financial crisis in the home, worries of lawschool and the future, the vision seems even bleaker at times. If that vision is a road, it used to be a straight road. Now it's become a winding, curving road with rest stops every 5 miles that tempt me to get off and just lounge there, tempting me to forget my destination.
But our God is a Faithful Father. I am reassured that God is for me, and He will be with me along the way. What can our Father not provide if we ask Him in earnest? If my prayer is for boldness of faith, to be able to believe that God will see His vision for me through, then I believe whole-heartedly that that faith will come! The kind of reckless abandon and utter surrender into His plans.
So God, this is my petition for strength, for single-mindedness. I want to be faithful to the vision You call me to. Who knows, I may not see it to completion, I may only be one of the many people who will come after that will see this vision to its end. But I want to be faithful to You. I want to be equipped, and I want to be sent to work! God I know You WANT to put me to work. So I ask Lord that You refine my actions and my motives to be singularly in pursuit of You and this vision. Show me the who, what when, where and how, because You have shown me why. And as I pursue that, Father, I believe You will take care of all things along the way.
And this is my request of friends... that they would spur me on in this same singlemindedness when I stray. That whenever I begin to doubt, that they lead me back to remembering the Faithfulness of the Father. For acocuntability.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)