I am so weak of faith. I still see myself planning and organizing my agendas according to my timetable, when in fact God has proven to me that its not my schedule He runs by but His own. So... here's what's been happening in the past few days/weeks in my head:
The first time God showed His own agenda for Recomm: When I thought and worried and stressed about potentially having to take the role of LA Recomm Leader/ praise leader, God showed me that He works according to His plans. His Work is SOOOO much grander than our projections of it. He showed me that my place was not something so limited and obvious as just becoming the LA leader/praise, but He had plans to birth another ministry entirely on my own home campus!! That is an endeavor no one had predicted. But as a junior, so timid and weak and fearful, yet driven by a GLDI-sized faith in God, I was ready to walk alongside Him and work at SC Recomm!
As time went on, however, and leadership changed, and I come to my last semester at USC, my Recomm- ambitions and faith had shrunk. I had run myself into a rut: everything was the same. The same members, the same bible study, even the same yearly event schedule (fall: olympics, banquet, happy together, sisters... etc). Even more so, I began to think... will SC Recomm next year be juniors leading bible study to other juniors/seniors? Will half our membership graduate with no one to fill its vaccuum?
And then God showed me again... He is faithful, and His plans are greater than mine. I think God really intended to encourage me these past few weeks and restore me to a stronger faith in Him. As soon as I had written down on my teuksae prayer request... for SC Recomm growth, that very week our membership doubles out of nowhere. What amazes me most is... the members in our Recomm who brought newcomers out have probably had those relationships for months, maybe even years. But it was THAT particular week, when God really chose to speak. My interpretation is that He acted during the week of Teuksae in order to speak to me, specifically and individually, whose faith had grown so small in the God who provides, and leave NO DOUBT that my efforts are in HIS grand plan, and not the other way around.
So how does this apply to the now?
I've been fearful. Fearful that if I don't pursue what I want immediately, that I won't have it ever. My wants have been so strong. And my wants have not been bathed in prayer. I already see myself going down a road where I would run myself into further ruts by the work of my own power. But I want to take a different approach. "Holy" ambitions can be corrupt. And I am not a finished product... I see much more refining to be done.
So for now, I take it in faith that God will bring me back to my desires when He sees me ready for them. And I travel the road laid before me... without another hesitation.
(wow... that last bit... talk about abstract)
God, You have shown me how faithful You are.
You have shown me that my efforts, my dreams, and my ambitions are all a fraction of the greater story You are writing. I want to remember always that You are the God who provides. That You know better than I. Always. So increase my faith God, to place my trust in you and find joy in knowing I do not travel into hardship alone. =D
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Luke 7:1-10... Jesus Heals a Centurion's Servant
"1When Jesus had finished saying all this in the hearing of the people, he entered Capernaum. 2There a centurion's servant, whom his master valued highly, was sick and about to die. 3The centurion heard of Jesus and sent some elders of the Jews to him, asking him to come and heal his servant. 4When they came to Jesus, they pleaded earnestly with him, "This man deserves to have you do this, 5because he loves our nation and has built our synagogue." 6So Jesus went with them.
He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: "Lord, don't trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. 7That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. 8For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."
9When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, "I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel." 10Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well.
What a role model! When I examine the text, I pick up on a number of things.
First: Biblical Authority: 99 soldiers could easily overpower one captain, but the concept of authority means that the 99 will listen. Pastor David's seminar on authority: a 4-ton truck running at 80mph will stop to an immediate halt in the face of a 130lb woman police officer, even though the truck can easily run over the woman, because of authority. The Centurion has experience with authority, but he seems also to be a captain of soldiers who respect him.
Second: The Centurion merely hears of Jesus' exploits and is desperate enough to trust based on hearsay. This seems to imply that he has reached a point of utter hopelessness, so much so that he is jumping at any way to heal his servant.
Third: The Centurion lived a life of peace and harmony, maybe even friendship with the Jewish elders of Capernaum. Despite being a soldier for the Roman army, the Centurion has contacts among Jewish leaders who would care enough to help him heal his servant. Already, the Centurion's desperation leads the Jewish leaders to leave an open mind about Jesus as the Christ (i assume). Though the text does not say, the Roman Centurion's faith might have served as a way of proselytizing indirectly. Seeing their Roman friend desperate enough to clutch to Jesus for healing of his servant, the Jews must have looked on in anticipation. Would it be too far a stretch to think that a few of these Jewish elders came to see Jesus as the Messiah as the Centurion did?
Fourth: The Jewish, religious heads have the wrong notion of worth. One would expect that the religious elders would be fully aware that no one is deserving of grace or mercy or healing, but the Jewish religious leaders plead the Centurion's case as one who has accomplished enough to deserve this miracle. The resume of having built the synagogue and loving the nation, they assume, is enough to warrant the grace of God toward his servant. Ironic that the people who should understand grace and mercy best have the worst idea of it.
Fifth: The Roman soldier, the Centurion is the one who actually has the concept of worth right. He realizes that he is undeserving, despite his spiritual resume, to have his friend/servant healed. So humble is he, that he sends friends to stop inconveniencing the Messiah from taking further steps toward his home. Perhaps out of a fear that he knows he is filthy in light of the Messiah, he clutches to Jesus as his hope but simultaneously fears his righteousness for he knows he is unrighteous.
Sixth: The text does not mention a Jesus amazed by the Centurion's works: building the synagogue or loving the nation. Most people would be tempted to believe that someone who would invest into building the religious house of worship for another people group might be considered charitable and worthy of praise, but Jesus does not even lift a brow at the mention of it. Nor does he care whether the Roman loves the Jewish nation/people. What amazes him is the faith of the Centurion, a faith enough to say that God is Lord over life and death, master over it to the extent that he can heal from afar.
Closing thoughts: I feel that more and more, I've been considering myself worthy. That I've built my own synagogues and have worked my way into deserving a place in front of the Savior. But the centurion reminds me that it is the meek who will inherit the earth.
God,
I want to understand Your authority more and more. I want to understand that your authority reigns not over my personal life, or my church life, but in the smallest areas. I don't want to submit only the obvious areas of my life to Your authority, but You deserve to be Lord over the tiniest things of my life. Teach me to submit to Your authority and to quit depending on my own.
Also, teach me to genuinely humble. Not humble so that I can appear humble. But in light of the Cross, I ask a dangerous prayer of being shown just how wicked and filthy I am. So that I will be utterly hopeless but to the cling to the cross. Show me God that I am undeserving, but in grace and mercy I have received.
Finally, God would you increase my faith. There are areas of my life which I cannot let go of. Some places of my life I hold to be of too high a price to let go. God remind me that You are far more capable of managing my life than I am. You are good, in both my strong and weak faith, but God would you grace me to increase my faith, to more relish in the sovereignty of God over my life.
In Christ's name,
Amen
He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: "Lord, don't trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. 7That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. 8For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."
9When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, "I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel." 10Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well.
What a role model! When I examine the text, I pick up on a number of things.
First: Biblical Authority: 99 soldiers could easily overpower one captain, but the concept of authority means that the 99 will listen. Pastor David's seminar on authority: a 4-ton truck running at 80mph will stop to an immediate halt in the face of a 130lb woman police officer, even though the truck can easily run over the woman, because of authority. The Centurion has experience with authority, but he seems also to be a captain of soldiers who respect him.
Second: The Centurion merely hears of Jesus' exploits and is desperate enough to trust based on hearsay. This seems to imply that he has reached a point of utter hopelessness, so much so that he is jumping at any way to heal his servant.
Third: The Centurion lived a life of peace and harmony, maybe even friendship with the Jewish elders of Capernaum. Despite being a soldier for the Roman army, the Centurion has contacts among Jewish leaders who would care enough to help him heal his servant. Already, the Centurion's desperation leads the Jewish leaders to leave an open mind about Jesus as the Christ (i assume). Though the text does not say, the Roman Centurion's faith might have served as a way of proselytizing indirectly. Seeing their Roman friend desperate enough to clutch to Jesus for healing of his servant, the Jews must have looked on in anticipation. Would it be too far a stretch to think that a few of these Jewish elders came to see Jesus as the Messiah as the Centurion did?
Fourth: The Jewish, religious heads have the wrong notion of worth. One would expect that the religious elders would be fully aware that no one is deserving of grace or mercy or healing, but the Jewish religious leaders plead the Centurion's case as one who has accomplished enough to deserve this miracle. The resume of having built the synagogue and loving the nation, they assume, is enough to warrant the grace of God toward his servant. Ironic that the people who should understand grace and mercy best have the worst idea of it.
Fifth: The Roman soldier, the Centurion is the one who actually has the concept of worth right. He realizes that he is undeserving, despite his spiritual resume, to have his friend/servant healed. So humble is he, that he sends friends to stop inconveniencing the Messiah from taking further steps toward his home. Perhaps out of a fear that he knows he is filthy in light of the Messiah, he clutches to Jesus as his hope but simultaneously fears his righteousness for he knows he is unrighteous.
Sixth: The text does not mention a Jesus amazed by the Centurion's works: building the synagogue or loving the nation. Most people would be tempted to believe that someone who would invest into building the religious house of worship for another people group might be considered charitable and worthy of praise, but Jesus does not even lift a brow at the mention of it. Nor does he care whether the Roman loves the Jewish nation/people. What amazes him is the faith of the Centurion, a faith enough to say that God is Lord over life and death, master over it to the extent that he can heal from afar.
Closing thoughts: I feel that more and more, I've been considering myself worthy. That I've built my own synagogues and have worked my way into deserving a place in front of the Savior. But the centurion reminds me that it is the meek who will inherit the earth.
God,
I want to understand Your authority more and more. I want to understand that your authority reigns not over my personal life, or my church life, but in the smallest areas. I don't want to submit only the obvious areas of my life to Your authority, but You deserve to be Lord over the tiniest things of my life. Teach me to submit to Your authority and to quit depending on my own.
Also, teach me to genuinely humble. Not humble so that I can appear humble. But in light of the Cross, I ask a dangerous prayer of being shown just how wicked and filthy I am. So that I will be utterly hopeless but to the cling to the cross. Show me God that I am undeserving, but in grace and mercy I have received.
Finally, God would you increase my faith. There are areas of my life which I cannot let go of. Some places of my life I hold to be of too high a price to let go. God remind me that You are far more capable of managing my life than I am. You are good, in both my strong and weak faith, but God would you grace me to increase my faith, to more relish in the sovereignty of God over my life.
In Christ's name,
Amen
Sunday, January 3, 2010
New Year's Resolutions
So... it's 2010. Normally i'm not one for New Year's resolutions... but following Urbana, and following Retreat, i've been convicted to make a few commitments. So here they go:
1. More intimacy with God. I commit not to go online or pick up any phone calls each day until I've done my QT.
2. Work toward financial independence. Goal: 50% independence by Dec 31st, 2010.
3. Exercise & diet. Reach target fitness and cut-ness!!!
4. Finish the race that is school well. No slacking in the last semester. Take advantage of everything
1. More intimacy with God. I commit not to go online or pick up any phone calls each day until I've done my QT.
2. Work toward financial independence. Goal: 50% independence by Dec 31st, 2010.
3. Exercise & diet. Reach target fitness and cut-ness!!!
4. Finish the race that is school well. No slacking in the last semester. Take advantage of everything
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Rejoicing in Weakness
Earlier today, i wanted to write on the topic of jealousy. But now, i think i have a more pressing concern: helplessness. Throughout the events that have occurred in my life... i've come to feel very disempowered, and at times utterly helpless.
I could write libraries' worth of pages on the topic of the stripping of power and independence and authority, but I shall spare the stories to avoid indulging in hate. But I just want to write out this prayer of surrender:
Father God,
You have promised to work for the good of those who love You. I want to make claim on that promise. In so many arenas of my life, I feel things are out of my control. I feel I've been led by the hand into a corner with no escape, all the while people expect me to burst forth and create my own escape. The future is uncertain and even though I have made steps to walk out in faith, nothing has changed. God, if You mean to change me, would you transform me as quickly as You would. And if circumstance is to change, please change them hastily. I hate being at another person's mercy and whim. God allow me a glimpse of the fruit to be borne of this suffering, even if i cannot obtain that fruit right now. In my wretched and pathetic helplessness, I come broken and defeated to the foot of the Cross. May I rest in the shadow of the Cross and emerge empowered in the Holy Spirit. May I die to all other hopes but Christ alone.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9
I could write libraries' worth of pages on the topic of the stripping of power and independence and authority, but I shall spare the stories to avoid indulging in hate. But I just want to write out this prayer of surrender:
Father God,
You have promised to work for the good of those who love You. I want to make claim on that promise. In so many arenas of my life, I feel things are out of my control. I feel I've been led by the hand into a corner with no escape, all the while people expect me to burst forth and create my own escape. The future is uncertain and even though I have made steps to walk out in faith, nothing has changed. God, if You mean to change me, would you transform me as quickly as You would. And if circumstance is to change, please change them hastily. I hate being at another person's mercy and whim. God allow me a glimpse of the fruit to be borne of this suffering, even if i cannot obtain that fruit right now. In my wretched and pathetic helplessness, I come broken and defeated to the foot of the Cross. May I rest in the shadow of the Cross and emerge empowered in the Holy Spirit. May I die to all other hopes but Christ alone.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9
Saturday, December 12, 2009
"Just" anything
So... as i sit in my room, writing this post, i reflect back and wonder in my 22 years what i've done with the precious gift of time that God has entrusted me with. I wish i could say i brought my block to revival and everyone had a conversion on our street. I wish i could say i've mastered enough languages to label myself a polyglot. I wish i could play an instrument so skillfully i'd wow even USC's school of music. But i don't do any of those things. I can't, as of now. But that's ok. Not necessarily because i'll get to them b4 i die, bcuz i may never get to it. Not because i have more significant changes to make on the planet, because i may not. But simply because i dont' have to stand out in that way.
But what's not ok is the fact that my mind has devolved into this.. ."just wanna do _____" mentality. I just want to make enough money to support a family (which is true, and admirable). I just want to go to a reputable school, not a cut-throat, die-hard soul-sucking top 5, i just want to live a day- to-day life doing something that contributes to society, doesn't hurt anybody, and allows me to get by. This JUST mentality has to go. I hate it in myself.
i don't think we were made to be JUST anything. i want to have a mentality that reflects the vision and scope of ability God has entrusted me with, which is always more than "just" anything. I want to strive to make even one more dollar so that getting off the 5 N exit on magnolia from right by church, i don't ignore the homeless guy begging for change for a burger king meal, and that i don't stay only preoccupied with making JUST enough for my family. I want to push myself to get into the top schools in the nation because i've been witness to a bunch of intellectually-minded friends step away from faith bcuz they found it practically useless or rationally "retarded to be a believer."
If my life has to be just anything, i want it to be just God-sized. Sounds oxymoronic...its like saying contain yourself to the most grand vision for yourself as possible. God teach me to give up this Just mentality...
But just as importantly God, would you show me how to curb my passions when they haven't been refined by You. Too often I've stepped out because my visions and ambitions seemed holy, but even holy can be wrong. Holy when not refined in prayer is just ego-feeding "pat yourself on the back, you're doing God's work" ambition. So teach me to pray and listen and discern your direction in knowing what to live out in GRAND proportion.
But what's not ok is the fact that my mind has devolved into this.. ."just wanna do _____" mentality. I just want to make enough money to support a family (which is true, and admirable). I just want to go to a reputable school, not a cut-throat, die-hard soul-sucking top 5, i just want to live a day- to-day life doing something that contributes to society, doesn't hurt anybody, and allows me to get by. This JUST mentality has to go. I hate it in myself.
i don't think we were made to be JUST anything. i want to have a mentality that reflects the vision and scope of ability God has entrusted me with, which is always more than "just" anything. I want to strive to make even one more dollar so that getting off the 5 N exit on magnolia from right by church, i don't ignore the homeless guy begging for change for a burger king meal, and that i don't stay only preoccupied with making JUST enough for my family. I want to push myself to get into the top schools in the nation because i've been witness to a bunch of intellectually-minded friends step away from faith bcuz they found it practically useless or rationally "retarded to be a believer."
If my life has to be just anything, i want it to be just God-sized. Sounds oxymoronic...its like saying contain yourself to the most grand vision for yourself as possible. God teach me to give up this Just mentality...
But just as importantly God, would you show me how to curb my passions when they haven't been refined by You. Too often I've stepped out because my visions and ambitions seemed holy, but even holy can be wrong. Holy when not refined in prayer is just ego-feeding "pat yourself on the back, you're doing God's work" ambition. So teach me to pray and listen and discern your direction in knowing what to live out in GRAND proportion.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
A Collision of Grace and Depravity
A few years ago, David Crowder Band came out with an album titled "a Collision (3+4=7)" or something like that. And as I was reading the jacket of the album, i found the reason they came up with the word "collision" for their title is exactly what i'm having trouble grasping my head around: when we accept the living Christ for who he is, as savior, king and lord, the nature of our wickedness and the grace of his righteousness crash into each other. It's this very collision, almost like two atoms colliding into each other to "fuse" and give off this epic energy, that blows my mind. Conceptually, i can understand it.
But the spiritual walk is not about concepts and ideas. Currently, I'm in a situaiton where I can't discern the difference between living in grace and freedom, and living a life taking advantage of "cheap grace." When does one's behavior go from repentance and tip over into guilt? Especially when sometimes, the flesh succumbs to the same sins over and over and over? If repentance leads to a turning away from sin, then does that mean we're not genuinely repentant because we keep sinning the same sins? Then are we just in guilty apology? What is correct repentance in light of ongoing sin?
Sometimes, it's these ongoing sins that allow me to realize how thoroughly depraved man is. As long as we have the flesh on our backs, we are forever depraved, even after salvation. What does a life that is not weighed down by sin look like then? What is a life that has claimed victory over sin amount to?
I'm a bit lost, God. I've never doubted my salvation. But I wonder at times if my growth is stumped because I don't know how to live properly in grace. As I recommit myself, would you show me? Show me that even in the depravity of my flesh, you make it possible for me to live victoriously. Would you make clear to me, Lord, that my sin is not the basis for your blessings (ie, the more i sin, the less i'm blessed), but that it is sin itself that destroys my relationship with you. Teach me to cherish everything that is of you so that i may lose my taste for sin.
But the spiritual walk is not about concepts and ideas. Currently, I'm in a situaiton where I can't discern the difference between living in grace and freedom, and living a life taking advantage of "cheap grace." When does one's behavior go from repentance and tip over into guilt? Especially when sometimes, the flesh succumbs to the same sins over and over and over? If repentance leads to a turning away from sin, then does that mean we're not genuinely repentant because we keep sinning the same sins? Then are we just in guilty apology? What is correct repentance in light of ongoing sin?
Sometimes, it's these ongoing sins that allow me to realize how thoroughly depraved man is. As long as we have the flesh on our backs, we are forever depraved, even after salvation. What does a life that is not weighed down by sin look like then? What is a life that has claimed victory over sin amount to?
I'm a bit lost, God. I've never doubted my salvation. But I wonder at times if my growth is stumped because I don't know how to live properly in grace. As I recommit myself, would you show me? Show me that even in the depravity of my flesh, you make it possible for me to live victoriously. Would you make clear to me, Lord, that my sin is not the basis for your blessings (ie, the more i sin, the less i'm blessed), but that it is sin itself that destroys my relationship with you. Teach me to cherish everything that is of you so that i may lose my taste for sin.
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