"Just" anything

So... as i sit in my room, writing this post, i reflect back and wonder in my 22 years what i've done with the precious gift of time that God has entrusted me with. I wish i could say i brought my block to revival and everyone had a conversion on our street. I wish i could say i've mastered enough languages to label myself a polyglot. I wish i could play an instrument so skillfully i'd wow even USC's school of music. But i don't do any of those things. I can't, as of now. But that's ok. Not necessarily because i'll get to them b4 i die, bcuz i may never get to it. Not because i have more significant changes to make on the planet, because i may not. But simply because i dont' have to stand out in that way.

But what's not ok is the fact that my mind has devolved into this.. ."just wanna do _____" mentality. I just want to make enough money to support a family (which is true, and admirable). I just want to go to a reputable school, not a cut-throat, die-hard soul-sucking top 5, i just want to live a day- to-day life doing something that contributes to society, doesn't hurt anybody, and allows me to get by. This JUST mentality has to go. I hate it in myself.

i don't think we were made to be JUST anything. i want to have a mentality that reflects the vision and scope of ability God has entrusted me with, which is always more than "just" anything. I want to strive to make even one more dollar so that getting off the 5 N exit on magnolia from right by church, i don't ignore the homeless guy begging for change for a burger king meal, and that i don't stay only preoccupied with making JUST enough for my family. I want to push myself to get into the top schools in the nation because i've been witness to a bunch of intellectually-minded friends step away from faith bcuz they found it practically useless or rationally "retarded to be a believer."

If my life has to be just anything, i want it to be just God-sized. Sounds oxymoronic...its like saying contain yourself to the most grand vision for yourself as possible. God teach me to give up this Just mentality...

But just as importantly God, would you show me how to curb my passions when they haven't been refined by You. Too often I've stepped out because my visions and ambitions seemed holy, but even holy can be wrong. Holy when not refined in prayer is just ego-feeding "pat yourself on the back, you're doing God's work" ambition. So teach me to pray and listen and discern your direction in knowing what to live out in GRAND proportion.

A Collision of Grace and Depravity

A few years ago, David Crowder Band came out with an album titled "a Collision (3+4=7)" or something like that. And as I was reading the jacket of the album, i found the reason they came up with the word "collision" for their title is exactly what i'm having trouble grasping my head around: when we accept the living Christ for who he is, as savior, king and lord, the nature of our wickedness and the grace of his righteousness crash into each other. It's this very collision, almost like two atoms colliding into each other to "fuse" and give off this epic energy, that blows my mind. Conceptually, i can understand it.

But the spiritual walk is not about concepts and ideas. Currently, I'm in a situaiton where I can't discern the difference between living in grace and freedom, and living a life taking advantage of "cheap grace." When does one's behavior go from repentance and tip over into guilt? Especially when sometimes, the flesh succumbs to the same sins over and over and over? If repentance leads to a turning away from sin, then does that mean we're not genuinely repentant because we keep sinning the same sins? Then are we just in guilty apology? What is correct repentance in light of ongoing sin?

Sometimes, it's these ongoing sins that allow me to realize how thoroughly depraved man is. As long as we have the flesh on our backs, we are forever depraved, even after salvation. What does a life that is not weighed down by sin look like then? What is a life that has claimed victory over sin amount to?

I'm a bit lost, God. I've never doubted my salvation. But I wonder at times if my growth is stumped because I don't know how to live properly in grace. As I recommit myself, would you show me? Show me that even in the depravity of my flesh, you make it possible for me to live victoriously. Would you make clear to me, Lord, that my sin is not the basis for your blessings (ie, the more i sin, the less i'm blessed), but that it is sin itself that destroys my relationship with you. Teach me to cherish everything that is of you so that i may lose my taste for sin.