I am slowly beginning to see just how God has been molding me and using the circumstances of my life to teach the things He wants me to learn. And everyday, it's a heart-wrenching battle because I see more and more the depths of depravity of my soul and flesh. But there is a positive side to it. I'm beginning to truly understand what surrender means. Praise the Lord!
Over the last couple weeks, God's been honing my discernment over my own motives. The motives that I take to ALL actions. It's like this example I heard awhile back and gave at my visit to USC ReComm: "If someone compliments you, and you deny the compliment KNOWING it'll only bring affirmation from the giver of the compliment, are you being modest and humble, or are you fishing for more?" This one is really easy to see. But God has been showing me that I've been on the surface level doing SOOO many things like that. Passing off my acts as one thing, but the motives of my heart are altogether somewhere else.
And the clearer a picture I get of my motives, the true state of my wickedness is revealed to me. I cannot be self-less. I cannot be loving. I cannot be wise. And all seems hopeless. And that is why, my QT's have been so refreshing. Yes, it's only been about four or five days since I've taken this new attitude to QT's, but since then, I've been blown away by the freshness of Scripture, my growing love for it, and my growing dependence. When I wake up, remind myself that my own wretchedness is beyond description, and question... "Patrick how long do you think you're gonna last on your own strength?" I immediately RUN to Scripture. Perhaps this sounds cliche, but as this blog has become a journal of sorts for me, I wanted to record this attitude for future reminder.
If I were to attempt an analysis of why this particular time, this realization hit home, I would say it's because of this realization: I had been depending on my "time" as a Christian to carry me through my walk. Born-again Christian for 9, almost 10 years, serving at church since senior year high school, heavily involved in college ministry, etc etc...Ultimately, the things add up to a not-so-modest spiritual resume. And subconsciously, I had seen myself "expecting" to have grown because it's been so long. Now, this sounds like a common struggle, and perhaps it is, but when not just the head realizes, but the HEART does as well, it's a period of brokenness.
What's funny is that when you "expect" to have grown, you behave like you did grow. And when you "feel" like you've grown, you lose that aspect of surrender. You're suddenly slightly more knowledgeable, slightly more "pure," slightly more everything good. And when you, of your own, are slightly more everything good, the obvious consequence is that you need less of Christ.Yes, yes, yes. It's cliche, You've heard it all before. But for me, this will be a constant struggle to live in REMEMBRANCE of this realization. Will I constantly be checking myself, running away from the fleshy desires of superficial surface-level spiritual maturation?
I see the work God is doing. I've been praying for my spiritual eyes to be opened, and I see that in one dimension He is opening my eyes to be sensitive to my own motivations. My flesh hates to be in that state of surrender, that state of helplessness, but my soul rejoices and every morning I truly experience the Lord's new mercies.
Father God,
Thank you for having worked behind the scenes in my life to give me that sensitivity into my own heart. Thank you for revealing to me the true nature of my wickedness once again. And I thank you for being my comfort and joy and my redeeming salvation despite that wickedness. In Jesus' name, would you seal the work you have done? May I remember always this experience of brokenness, and this experience of total hopelessness. Not just to be bummed out, but to have that desperation to look for a Redeemer. To never have the audacity to think I can stand on my own. But it's by mercy and grace alone that I have the HOPE to continue INTO CHRIST'S PERFECTION! In my life, may my weaknesses be magnified, so that YOUR strength be glorified.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Intercession
God, would you teach me to be an intercessor?
Teach me the difference between wishing the best and praying.
Teach me to pray specifically for every soul, the needs of every heart, and not throw up ambiguous, all-encompassing generalizations that I want to pass off as prayer.
Teach me to pray and cast my worries and anxieties on you, because nothing is resolved by worrying. Teach me to pray for OTHERS' worries and anxieties, that YOU may bring that same peace to them.
Teach me to pray boldly: not for easier circumstances, but for STRENGTH in STRENGTH-TESTING circumstances.
Teach me to know that should every form of service disappear from my activities, I can continue to SERVE in PRAYER.
Teach me ultimately not to carry out the ACT of prayer, but the ATTITUDE of prayer.
"Prayer does not fit us for the greater work, prayer is the greater work." --Oswald Chambers
"I would rather train twenty men to pray, than a thousand to preach; A minister's highest mission ought to be to teach his people to pray." -H. MacGregor
Teach me the difference between wishing the best and praying.
Teach me to pray specifically for every soul, the needs of every heart, and not throw up ambiguous, all-encompassing generalizations that I want to pass off as prayer.
Teach me to pray and cast my worries and anxieties on you, because nothing is resolved by worrying. Teach me to pray for OTHERS' worries and anxieties, that YOU may bring that same peace to them.
Teach me to pray boldly: not for easier circumstances, but for STRENGTH in STRENGTH-TESTING circumstances.
Teach me to know that should every form of service disappear from my activities, I can continue to SERVE in PRAYER.
Teach me ultimately not to carry out the ACT of prayer, but the ATTITUDE of prayer.
"Prayer does not fit us for the greater work, prayer is the greater work." --Oswald Chambers
"I would rather train twenty men to pray, than a thousand to preach; A minister's highest mission ought to be to teach his people to pray." -H. MacGregor
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Goals for the Month
1. Read (Scripture, Books, News): Get Educated.Get SOUL-fed.
2. Personal Statement: Goal is to finish by Dec 10th!!
3. Pray: for family finances, family relationships, for Jennifer's college/major direction
4. Learn something! (Guitar, a language, ANYTHING). Get Started NOW!!
5. Pray for ONETHING...
2. Personal Statement: Goal is to finish by Dec 10th!!
3. Pray: for family finances, family relationships, for Jennifer's college/major direction
4. Learn something! (Guitar, a language, ANYTHING). Get Started NOW!!
5. Pray for ONETHING...
Monday, November 1, 2010
Future Prayer Requests
Lord, I want to thank you. And give you glory for all that You do. You hear the cries of the desperate and pleading, and you pour out mercy and grace.
God you know that for the past few months/ maybe even a year, my prayer has been to have an opportunity to leave this place. Leave the home of my parents and really have an opportunity to start my life anew. With my own sovereignty, and really test my own resolve and man/adult-hood.
But Father, at the same time I want to honor my parents. I know that You know that it's such a huge temptation to think, "i'm boning out of this place next year. Why bother investing in this family anymore? I'll be starting my own in 5-10 years."
But I recall the brokenness. The lovelessness. The fighting and the bickering. The flaws in every single one of my family members including myself. Sure, it's easier to just run away. But God, I want to commit to praying for them. Despite my history in this household, despite the bad memories, I know that you have placed me into this family to bless it. And it hasn't been all bad. There were plenty of celebrations, plenty of fond memories.
God I want to remember you in this family. Because I love you, give me the strength and the tenacity, the 끈기 to hold stubbornly to praying for them. Please, Lord, Give me the strength to honor this family in Your name.
Other Prayer requests:
Law school environment: Churches
ONETHING conference
God you know that for the past few months/ maybe even a year, my prayer has been to have an opportunity to leave this place. Leave the home of my parents and really have an opportunity to start my life anew. With my own sovereignty, and really test my own resolve and man/adult-hood.
But Father, at the same time I want to honor my parents. I know that You know that it's such a huge temptation to think, "i'm boning out of this place next year. Why bother investing in this family anymore? I'll be starting my own in 5-10 years."
But I recall the brokenness. The lovelessness. The fighting and the bickering. The flaws in every single one of my family members including myself. Sure, it's easier to just run away. But God, I want to commit to praying for them. Despite my history in this household, despite the bad memories, I know that you have placed me into this family to bless it. And it hasn't been all bad. There were plenty of celebrations, plenty of fond memories.
God I want to remember you in this family. Because I love you, give me the strength and the tenacity, the 끈기 to hold stubbornly to praying for them. Please, Lord, Give me the strength to honor this family in Your name.
Other Prayer requests:
Law school environment: Churches
ONETHING conference
Sunday, October 3, 2010
You are the Sovereign God
God... I want to give you Glory and Honor.
You are truly the God who hears. And the God who has experienced all that I am experiencing, and will experience.
I want to thank You for stirring my heart to take the course of action that You led me to take. I can see taht it was from You because the fruit was good. It showed me an aspect with which I could pity and sympathize with. And I saw the source of their stubbornness. Thank You God for making me vulnerable. Thank You for making us vulnerable, despite the argument we had earlier.
I may not have a manual to teach me how to handle every conflict. But it is just as reassuring to know that You are walking with me, there to guide me in EACH conflict.
You are the God of peace. And I truly had an experience even now, where I witnessed your shalom unfold within this conflict.
Praise be to You!
You are truly the God who hears. And the God who has experienced all that I am experiencing, and will experience.
I want to thank You for stirring my heart to take the course of action that You led me to take. I can see taht it was from You because the fruit was good. It showed me an aspect with which I could pity and sympathize with. And I saw the source of their stubbornness. Thank You God for making me vulnerable. Thank You for making us vulnerable, despite the argument we had earlier.
I may not have a manual to teach me how to handle every conflict. But it is just as reassuring to know that You are walking with me, there to guide me in EACH conflict.
You are the God of peace. And I truly had an experience even now, where I witnessed your shalom unfold within this conflict.
Praise be to You!
What do I do now?
God... PLEASE show me the point in this struggle. I've tried and tried to take everything from their perspective. I've tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, to place myself in their shoes. I've tried, genuinely. But I don't know how to keep the peace any longer. I don't know if it's right to keep the peace any longer.
I don't know whether to attribute it to the generational gap, the cultural gap, or just the uniqueness of their stubbornness. There is no compromise in our discussions Lord. How can you call it a compromise when they demand not 98, not 99, but 100% of every term of their demands? What do you do when they refuse to yield any part?
Do I hurt them where it hurts? Do I bear it now and just disappear from their lives? What's the right thing to do God?
How much of an effort must I make to keep the peace? How much must I honor? At what point do I lose any self-dignity of my own in yielding so much? At what point do I stop being taken seriously for not having convictions of my own, when I continue to yield as much as I do?
Only you know the struggle I am going through. You assure me that you've faced every hardship and can share in every pain. You know the effort I've poured out in the last few months to mend and reform this relationship that was ALWAYS in conflict. I tried so hard to make it not merely a coexistence but a thriving relationship. God, I've invested and yielded and sacrificed. And for awhlie, it's been working. But I don't see them meeting me ANY part down the road of reconciliation. I don't even ask to meet at the half-way, it can be at the 10% their side, 90% mine, but they don't even give me that. Must I still yield Lord?
Where is the line God?
I don't know whether to attribute it to the generational gap, the cultural gap, or just the uniqueness of their stubbornness. There is no compromise in our discussions Lord. How can you call it a compromise when they demand not 98, not 99, but 100% of every term of their demands? What do you do when they refuse to yield any part?
Do I hurt them where it hurts? Do I bear it now and just disappear from their lives? What's the right thing to do God?
How much of an effort must I make to keep the peace? How much must I honor? At what point do I lose any self-dignity of my own in yielding so much? At what point do I stop being taken seriously for not having convictions of my own, when I continue to yield as much as I do?
Only you know the struggle I am going through. You assure me that you've faced every hardship and can share in every pain. You know the effort I've poured out in the last few months to mend and reform this relationship that was ALWAYS in conflict. I tried so hard to make it not merely a coexistence but a thriving relationship. God, I've invested and yielded and sacrificed. And for awhlie, it's been working. But I don't see them meeting me ANY part down the road of reconciliation. I don't even ask to meet at the half-way, it can be at the 10% their side, 90% mine, but they don't even give me that. Must I still yield Lord?
Where is the line God?
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Be Satisfied In Me
Normally, I wouldn't post another entry so soon. But this was something that I had to post. God, you hear my prayers in all that you do, whether I'm aware or not. And... as you direct me and lead me to think ahead to the future, to pray for the wife that you will one day entrust to me, you give me a direction and a goal for my stage of singlehood.
Not because it is new information, or because it is unheard of for me, but you give an apt word at apt times. So God, may this poem by St. Anthony of Padua be the prayer of my heart, and the preparation of my soul, until you bring that person into my life.
BE SATISFIED IN ME
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But to a Christian, God says, "No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.
Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else.
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing . . . one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best.
Please allow me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that’s all.
Don’t be anxious, don’t worry
Don’t look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don’t look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to me,
Or you’ll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me
And the life I’ve prepared for you,
You won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me.
And this is perfect love.
And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love.
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me.
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union
Of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
For I am God. Believe it and be satisfied.
God, thank you for that reminder. You are worthy of my all.
Not because it is new information, or because it is unheard of for me, but you give an apt word at apt times. So God, may this poem by St. Anthony of Padua be the prayer of my heart, and the preparation of my soul, until you bring that person into my life.
BE SATISFIED IN ME
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But to a Christian, God says, "No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.
Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else.
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing . . . one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best.
Please allow me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that’s all.
Don’t be anxious, don’t worry
Don’t look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don’t look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to me,
Or you’ll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me
And the life I’ve prepared for you,
You won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me.
And this is perfect love.
And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love.
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me.
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union
Of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
For I am God. Believe it and be satisfied.
God, thank you for that reminder. You are worthy of my all.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Hearing Voices
So... I've got some good news, some GREAT news, and some bad news.
Good news is... through good friends, I'm learning to discern the voices of the Spirits, both good and bad. The good is but a whisper, and the bad... oh the bad is bad! It feeds on my fears, plays to my weaknesses, builds up my pride to make me all the more impervious to pride-breaking moments of brokenness.
Great news is... by the grace of God I have been given an opportunity to go to Onething Conference this December. I have many hopes, and expectations, none greater than to hear the voice of God as loudly as I can for my life. So... in preparation, I know that God is calling me to do a total vacuuming of my heart before then. To prepare myself. Not to go last year as I did, with no readiness or prep, but to take practical steps to get right with him.
So here comes the bad news: the beginnings of the vacuum.
Hm...pride is freagn scary. I thought hearing occasionally my peers, or leaders, or even recomm/family group members talk about pride, I felt unfamiliar with the struggle. Man, do I understand now. Pride is the thing that says, "wait, you've been a leader for how many years? and you're still struggling with THAT?" or the voice that goes, "but what will people think of you? your friends are gonna think you're still a kid!" What's more, it builds you up, saying "Dude, you're awesome!" which makes that realization that you're not... all the more heartbreaking.
In my current walk of life, I've discovered two of the most obvious sins in my life. One is idolatry. The other is pride.
My idolatry tells me, that I am SOOO heavily emotionally and physically invested into my replacement gods. I've made idols of things both inanimate and animate. People have become my idols. Standards have become my idols. Comfort has become my idol.
God, give me the strength not to be like Terah, who was given the call to go to Canaan even before Abraham, but instead settled in Haran. Show me how to venture past my Haran and into Canaan (Gen 11:31). Would you entirely sweep away the comfort of the land of Haran, and direct my path upon Canaan. Whether my Haran be the people and friends and relationships I'm comfortable in, or the standards and comforts I've come to embrace and become so slothful in spiritually.
Also, Father God, the pride of my heart is astounding. It's preventing me from taking the necessary steps I KNOW you've placed before me. God... even if it costs me EVERYTHING, give me yourself. So break me, break my relationships, break my reputation, break anything that is needed God, for me to have more of You. But give me more of You.
Good news is... through good friends, I'm learning to discern the voices of the Spirits, both good and bad. The good is but a whisper, and the bad... oh the bad is bad! It feeds on my fears, plays to my weaknesses, builds up my pride to make me all the more impervious to pride-breaking moments of brokenness.
Great news is... by the grace of God I have been given an opportunity to go to Onething Conference this December. I have many hopes, and expectations, none greater than to hear the voice of God as loudly as I can for my life. So... in preparation, I know that God is calling me to do a total vacuuming of my heart before then. To prepare myself. Not to go last year as I did, with no readiness or prep, but to take practical steps to get right with him.
So here comes the bad news: the beginnings of the vacuum.
Hm...pride is freagn scary. I thought hearing occasionally my peers, or leaders, or even recomm/family group members talk about pride, I felt unfamiliar with the struggle. Man, do I understand now. Pride is the thing that says, "wait, you've been a leader for how many years? and you're still struggling with THAT?" or the voice that goes, "but what will people think of you? your friends are gonna think you're still a kid!" What's more, it builds you up, saying "Dude, you're awesome!" which makes that realization that you're not... all the more heartbreaking.
In my current walk of life, I've discovered two of the most obvious sins in my life. One is idolatry. The other is pride.
My idolatry tells me, that I am SOOO heavily emotionally and physically invested into my replacement gods. I've made idols of things both inanimate and animate. People have become my idols. Standards have become my idols. Comfort has become my idol.
God, give me the strength not to be like Terah, who was given the call to go to Canaan even before Abraham, but instead settled in Haran. Show me how to venture past my Haran and into Canaan (Gen 11:31). Would you entirely sweep away the comfort of the land of Haran, and direct my path upon Canaan. Whether my Haran be the people and friends and relationships I'm comfortable in, or the standards and comforts I've come to embrace and become so slothful in spiritually.
Also, Father God, the pride of my heart is astounding. It's preventing me from taking the necessary steps I KNOW you've placed before me. God... even if it costs me EVERYTHING, give me yourself. So break me, break my relationships, break my reputation, break anything that is needed God, for me to have more of You. But give me more of You.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Some Meditations on My Current Course...
In his heart a man plans his course,
But the Lord determines his steps.
--Proverbs 16:9
There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan
that can succeed against the Lord.
--Proverbs 21:30
Many are the plans in a man's heart,
But it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
--Proverbs 19:21
All a man's ways seem right to him,
But the Lord weighs the heart.
--Proverbs 21:2
The Lord works out everything for his own ends
--Proverbs 16:4a
God... I am beginning to see where my energies are being spent. I'm beginning to realize that my tiredness, my exhaustion, both mentally and emotionally, are coming from one source. In only a span of 5 chapters of Proverbs, Solomon repeatedly emphasizes just how futile planning and preparing can be. In the end, I can sharpen my metaphorical sword and train my metaphorical body into rock-hard abs and beastly biceps and whatnot, but in the end, all that energy is wasted if not in you. The first and fourth verses, in particular, combined have a very dire implication: my definition of right plans is simply a distortion that discloses my wickedness. "Holy" ambitions, and "good" intentions... maybe they're not what they describe.
God, teach me to measure my heart not by my sinful nature but by Your standards. Teach me to discern where my energies are wasted, and not simply wasted, but opposed to Your plans. Teach me to discern Your purpose, and to have the strength of faith to let go when I find my original plans are inconsistent with Yours. In the end, may You be glorified. In the end, may You be lifted up in my life. And in the end, may my heart sing that You are good and the Lord of my heart.
Increase my hunger for joy in You. May the satisfaction you receive be my sustenance. May I be teachable in times of growth and molding. May I be meek and humble, may I be reflective and repentant. God...
The joy of the Lord is my strength.
--Neh. 8:10
All things came into being through Him,
and apart from Him
nothing came into being
that has come into being.
--John 1:3
***
I thought this might be funny... for those of you who've noticed the increasing number of white hairs I've been getting these days...
Gray hair is a crown of splendor;
It is attained by a righteous life.
--Proverbs 16:31
But the Lord determines his steps.
--Proverbs 16:9
There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan
that can succeed against the Lord.
--Proverbs 21:30
Many are the plans in a man's heart,
But it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
--Proverbs 19:21
All a man's ways seem right to him,
But the Lord weighs the heart.
--Proverbs 21:2
The Lord works out everything for his own ends
--Proverbs 16:4a
God... I am beginning to see where my energies are being spent. I'm beginning to realize that my tiredness, my exhaustion, both mentally and emotionally, are coming from one source. In only a span of 5 chapters of Proverbs, Solomon repeatedly emphasizes just how futile planning and preparing can be. In the end, I can sharpen my metaphorical sword and train my metaphorical body into rock-hard abs and beastly biceps and whatnot, but in the end, all that energy is wasted if not in you. The first and fourth verses, in particular, combined have a very dire implication: my definition of right plans is simply a distortion that discloses my wickedness. "Holy" ambitions, and "good" intentions... maybe they're not what they describe.
God, teach me to measure my heart not by my sinful nature but by Your standards. Teach me to discern where my energies are wasted, and not simply wasted, but opposed to Your plans. Teach me to discern Your purpose, and to have the strength of faith to let go when I find my original plans are inconsistent with Yours. In the end, may You be glorified. In the end, may You be lifted up in my life. And in the end, may my heart sing that You are good and the Lord of my heart.
Increase my hunger for joy in You. May the satisfaction you receive be my sustenance. May I be teachable in times of growth and molding. May I be meek and humble, may I be reflective and repentant. God...
The joy of the Lord is my strength.
--Neh. 8:10
All things came into being through Him,
and apart from Him
nothing came into being
that has come into being.
--John 1:3
***
I thought this might be funny... for those of you who've noticed the increasing number of white hairs I've been getting these days...
Gray hair is a crown of splendor;
It is attained by a righteous life.
--Proverbs 16:31
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
the luxuries of a private ranting journal... =D
Pet Peeve of the YEAR!!!
- the MISUSE of the word "I", such as when used as an object
Facebook is littered with pictures and i hear people all over the place making this mistake. So one may ask why I post it on a "relatively" private blog, instead of on a facebook note or something...
Truth be told, I don't know why. I think it may have to do with being concerned that pet peeves inevitably carry with it irritation, and that's never pleasant. But I would like a place to vent this out. So, here it goes:
The word "I" was, is, and will always be... a SUBJECT NOUN!
When people write captions on facebook photos or talk about things they did with another individual, they often write, "this person and I." So what's the big deal? This is a gross misuse of the subject "I," because in writing these photo captions, the implied intent is... "(this is a picture of) john and ME," or "(this is a picture of) jane and ME"
Why is the use of "I" wrong in this case? Because the noun is not followed by any action. Instead, the picture is OF people, OF OBJECTS!! Therefore, the OBJECTIVE noun must be used.
Grammar review: But people say things like... "He is faster than I" and isn't that correct?
Yes!! It is. But that's because there is an implied verb at the end: "He is faster than I (am)."
Maybe certain people don't realize when they misuse the subjective and objective nouns of "Me" and "I." Here are a few examples I can think of:
* Previously mentioned photo captions: "John and I at Mount Rushmore" (no action)
* "John got this for Jane and I" (object/recipient of action)
* "The secret is between you and I" (object)
Here is a link to further clarify:
http://homeworktips.about.com/od/homeworkhelp/a/iandme.htm
- the MISUSE of the word "I", such as when used as an object
Facebook is littered with pictures and i hear people all over the place making this mistake. So one may ask why I post it on a "relatively" private blog, instead of on a facebook note or something...
Truth be told, I don't know why. I think it may have to do with being concerned that pet peeves inevitably carry with it irritation, and that's never pleasant. But I would like a place to vent this out. So, here it goes:
The word "I" was, is, and will always be... a SUBJECT NOUN!
When people write captions on facebook photos or talk about things they did with another individual, they often write, "this person and I." So what's the big deal? This is a gross misuse of the subject "I," because in writing these photo captions, the implied intent is... "(this is a picture of) john and ME," or "(this is a picture of) jane and ME"
Why is the use of "I" wrong in this case? Because the noun is not followed by any action. Instead, the picture is OF people, OF OBJECTS!! Therefore, the OBJECTIVE noun must be used.
Grammar review: But people say things like... "He is faster than I" and isn't that correct?
Yes!! It is. But that's because there is an implied verb at the end: "He is faster than I (am)."
Maybe certain people don't realize when they misuse the subjective and objective nouns of "Me" and "I." Here are a few examples I can think of:
* Previously mentioned photo captions: "John and I at Mount Rushmore" (no action)
* "John got this for Jane and I" (object/recipient of action)
* "The secret is between you and I" (object)
Here is a link to further clarify:
http://homeworktips.about.com/od/homeworkhelp/a/iandme.htm
Monday, June 7, 2010
Trust is...
Trust is hard to win. But what if sometimes, you've done everything you can? You've met every requirement, lived up to every expectation, satisfied every desire, only to have the bar raised each time you've succeeeded without ever receiving that trust.
Do you give up? Do you trudge on?
I've spent so many hours of my life envying others and wishing circumstances were different. I don't know what to do anymore. How do you "win" something that, as you inch closer to the goal, suddenly disappears again into the distance?
God, I realized, as much as certain people are putting me into this situation, I put You in it as well. Every time you have fulfilled all my hopes and desires and more, I enter a new stage of life and again, take back that trust I gave to You. As I went through high school and college, I saw Your faithfulness and goodness, and You had my total trust and faith, but I see possible events in the near horizon that I don't want to see happen. Losing friendships, relationships, and spiritual community, as well as the difficulties of a new tier of academics. ("academics evolved into... ACADEMICMON!!! =D). My trust of You has been like a game of hot-potato with 2 people: I tossed it to you and took it back, to and fro, over and over.
In this time of uncertainty, in this hazy year of question marks, God, would you be my one absolute? Give me the desire in my heart to find nothing more solid than you, to depend on no person more than my Saviour. I never want to take back the trust I have placed in you.
Do you give up? Do you trudge on?
I've spent so many hours of my life envying others and wishing circumstances were different. I don't know what to do anymore. How do you "win" something that, as you inch closer to the goal, suddenly disappears again into the distance?
God, I realized, as much as certain people are putting me into this situation, I put You in it as well. Every time you have fulfilled all my hopes and desires and more, I enter a new stage of life and again, take back that trust I gave to You. As I went through high school and college, I saw Your faithfulness and goodness, and You had my total trust and faith, but I see possible events in the near horizon that I don't want to see happen. Losing friendships, relationships, and spiritual community, as well as the difficulties of a new tier of academics. ("academics evolved into... ACADEMICMON!!! =D). My trust of You has been like a game of hot-potato with 2 people: I tossed it to you and took it back, to and fro, over and over.
In this time of uncertainty, in this hazy year of question marks, God, would you be my one absolute? Give me the desire in my heart to find nothing more solid than you, to depend on no person more than my Saviour. I never want to take back the trust I have placed in you.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Reminders
God, would you give me the heart of Hosea?
Would you show me that nothing I ever endure or put up with compares with how often and how grievously I wrong you. Teach me not to judge. And teach me to commit to a love that is unfathomable, a love that holds no record of wrongs, a love that delights in goodness.
For I am no different than that prostitute-wife. I have the relationship with a God who commits me to like Hosea did. Teach me to go that next step, and be Hosea-like to that one individual. And let me take true delight in any change that comes, and if no change does come, then to yield myself to admitting, "vengeance is the Lord's." I lay everything into Your hands, and ask for strength simply to love from here on out...
I refuse to be brought down. I WILL live in the joy that I have found.
Would you show me that nothing I ever endure or put up with compares with how often and how grievously I wrong you. Teach me not to judge. And teach me to commit to a love that is unfathomable, a love that holds no record of wrongs, a love that delights in goodness.
For I am no different than that prostitute-wife. I have the relationship with a God who commits me to like Hosea did. Teach me to go that next step, and be Hosea-like to that one individual. And let me take true delight in any change that comes, and if no change does come, then to yield myself to admitting, "vengeance is the Lord's." I lay everything into Your hands, and ask for strength simply to love from here on out...
I refuse to be brought down. I WILL live in the joy that I have found.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Single-Mindedness
So... for my Trojan class, we're entering the season of being post-grads. And as the number of days increase since our graduation, I'm coming to realize exactly how divided and distracted my heart has been. What I mean by this is that the singular desire to pursue and be pursued by God has been curved, twisted, or interrupted by so many other concerns as of late.
It's funny how Satan works; we know fully well how sovereign and mighty and "for us" our God was in our undergraduate years, but when the (arguably) more important season of the open-ended future comes, we tell God, "ok God, I let you do Your thing for that time. I want it back now!" At least that's how it's been for me these last few days. Undergraduate education has been, what I consider, the prepping period. And maybe in light of the immediacy of impending concerns and how I succumbed to it, one interpretation might even be that I failed to put into use all that prepping until God brought me to this realization.
So... what are these concerns? Law school, for one. The location of the school and specialization of law that I decide on will have a huge bearing on many different things regarding my lifestyle: obviously money, number of workhours (and hence free time, too), (very likely) the search for a new home church for 3(+) years, etc. And secondly, money. I don't know exactly how many of my friends know this, since I don't advertise this much, but my dad's construction company has yet to find a job/client in over a year, closing in on a year and a half. Living off savings for that long is draining financially, but also draining in terms of hope and optimism. I guess both of these kind of make up my prayer requests as well...
I remember the day that God showed me a vision for what He could potentially be wanting me to do. I was at GLDI, maybe week 4 or so of 7 weeks, and Dr. Kim and Dr. Pak were saying something I really hated hearing..."Ask God for Your vision! He has one for You! Ask for it to be made known now!" I didn't hate it because I didnt' believe it to be true. But in the back of my mind, I was reserving questions like, "What if God doesn't intend to show me my vision for years to come?" and "Do visions come in situations like this where you're motivated to ask for it simply because a speaker tells you to?"
I had an epiphany the other day about this. I believe, as I think most Christians would, that all of God's servants labor for the Kingdom of God with a vision. Without God's vision motivating them and pushing them on, it becomes an ego-trip just to see how much the individual can accomplish.The sacredness and "set-apartness" of their actions is stripped away without that vision. The point is... does God not equip those He puts to work? and wouldn't vision be one of those things that God equips His workers with? Then if I am so fearful or hesitant in receiving a vision and believing it is from God Himself, I was forced to ask myself, "Am I unfit to be put to work as I am now?"
I told a few people about the vision that God shown me at GLDI. I am still scared of the grandness of it. In fact, for all the above reasons, financial crisis in the home, worries of lawschool and the future, the vision seems even bleaker at times. If that vision is a road, it used to be a straight road. Now it's become a winding, curving road with rest stops every 5 miles that tempt me to get off and just lounge there, tempting me to forget my destination.
But our God is a Faithful Father. I am reassured that God is for me, and He will be with me along the way. What can our Father not provide if we ask Him in earnest? If my prayer is for boldness of faith, to be able to believe that God will see His vision for me through, then I believe whole-heartedly that that faith will come! The kind of reckless abandon and utter surrender into His plans.
So God, this is my petition for strength, for single-mindedness. I want to be faithful to the vision You call me to. Who knows, I may not see it to completion, I may only be one of the many people who will come after that will see this vision to its end. But I want to be faithful to You. I want to be equipped, and I want to be sent to work! God I know You WANT to put me to work. So I ask Lord that You refine my actions and my motives to be singularly in pursuit of You and this vision. Show me the who, what when, where and how, because You have shown me why. And as I pursue that, Father, I believe You will take care of all things along the way.
And this is my request of friends... that they would spur me on in this same singlemindedness when I stray. That whenever I begin to doubt, that they lead me back to remembering the Faithfulness of the Father. For acocuntability.
It's funny how Satan works; we know fully well how sovereign and mighty and "for us" our God was in our undergraduate years, but when the (arguably) more important season of the open-ended future comes, we tell God, "ok God, I let you do Your thing for that time. I want it back now!" At least that's how it's been for me these last few days. Undergraduate education has been, what I consider, the prepping period. And maybe in light of the immediacy of impending concerns and how I succumbed to it, one interpretation might even be that I failed to put into use all that prepping until God brought me to this realization.
So... what are these concerns? Law school, for one. The location of the school and specialization of law that I decide on will have a huge bearing on many different things regarding my lifestyle: obviously money, number of workhours (and hence free time, too), (very likely) the search for a new home church for 3(+) years, etc. And secondly, money. I don't know exactly how many of my friends know this, since I don't advertise this much, but my dad's construction company has yet to find a job/client in over a year, closing in on a year and a half. Living off savings for that long is draining financially, but also draining in terms of hope and optimism. I guess both of these kind of make up my prayer requests as well...
I remember the day that God showed me a vision for what He could potentially be wanting me to do. I was at GLDI, maybe week 4 or so of 7 weeks, and Dr. Kim and Dr. Pak were saying something I really hated hearing..."Ask God for Your vision! He has one for You! Ask for it to be made known now!" I didn't hate it because I didnt' believe it to be true. But in the back of my mind, I was reserving questions like, "What if God doesn't intend to show me my vision for years to come?" and "Do visions come in situations like this where you're motivated to ask for it simply because a speaker tells you to?"
I had an epiphany the other day about this. I believe, as I think most Christians would, that all of God's servants labor for the Kingdom of God with a vision. Without God's vision motivating them and pushing them on, it becomes an ego-trip just to see how much the individual can accomplish.The sacredness and "set-apartness" of their actions is stripped away without that vision. The point is... does God not equip those He puts to work? and wouldn't vision be one of those things that God equips His workers with? Then if I am so fearful or hesitant in receiving a vision and believing it is from God Himself, I was forced to ask myself, "Am I unfit to be put to work as I am now?"
I told a few people about the vision that God shown me at GLDI. I am still scared of the grandness of it. In fact, for all the above reasons, financial crisis in the home, worries of lawschool and the future, the vision seems even bleaker at times. If that vision is a road, it used to be a straight road. Now it's become a winding, curving road with rest stops every 5 miles that tempt me to get off and just lounge there, tempting me to forget my destination.
But our God is a Faithful Father. I am reassured that God is for me, and He will be with me along the way. What can our Father not provide if we ask Him in earnest? If my prayer is for boldness of faith, to be able to believe that God will see His vision for me through, then I believe whole-heartedly that that faith will come! The kind of reckless abandon and utter surrender into His plans.
So God, this is my petition for strength, for single-mindedness. I want to be faithful to the vision You call me to. Who knows, I may not see it to completion, I may only be one of the many people who will come after that will see this vision to its end. But I want to be faithful to You. I want to be equipped, and I want to be sent to work! God I know You WANT to put me to work. So I ask Lord that You refine my actions and my motives to be singularly in pursuit of You and this vision. Show me the who, what when, where and how, because You have shown me why. And as I pursue that, Father, I believe You will take care of all things along the way.
And this is my request of friends... that they would spur me on in this same singlemindedness when I stray. That whenever I begin to doubt, that they lead me back to remembering the Faithfulness of the Father. For acocuntability.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Some post-sisters' appreciation reflections
I was wrong...
I thought that people were spending superfluous time celebrating what I once viewed as needless and made-up-to-be-untolerably-romantic events. This may have taken the form of valentine's or anniversaries or what-not. But my view has changed after sisters'
Over the course of my stay at USC undergrad, i've had the privilege to meet and befriend and grow attached to a body of believers so unprecedentedly closely. So this past wednesday was sisters' appreciation. Last year, USC threw what i thought was the best sisters' appreciation (obvious bias due to my own recomm), with chicken wine dinner, fondue fountains, gifts, the works. I took pride in the creativity of each of the guys, their participation, and our ability to put on a great night!
This year was drastically different. Our membership had grown so quickly (could ONLY be the work of God as answer to prayer) And as sisters' approached, God showed me a different way to view them. In the community that I have come to love through ReComm, knowing that the girls comprised of now more than half our membership, i was filled with a different passion. Not to put on a great sisters' appreciation night but for our sisters to genuinely enjoy and relax in a night in which the guys take up the work. With this kind of attitude, the planning, at least for me, became so free-flowing. Not thinking about the PRESSURE of putting on a great night, but remembering that each girl here was a precious GIFT God had given to me in our SC community, i wanted to honor them and give them the best night of their school years.
To what degree the SC guys accomplished that is really only up to the SC girls to judge. But... i made a connection that night. Anniversaries and romantic days i thought extraneous before... (100-days, 1-month, 6-month anniversaries, valentines, etc etc) There is a reason for them. Perhaps i was just too young and naive before to appreciate those days in this way. SC ReComm has shown me that it's not a burden to remember and celebrate, but if i cherish a particular something (be it a girl or ReComm), it should be natural.
It excites me. To think that i have yet to feel this way for some one/people. To be so utterly grateful always for the person(s) in my life. And it won't always be confined to romance. Even just to realize on a complete different plane of experience how precious my friends are, or my family; i can't wait!
So God,
I await Your appointed time for which those relationships in my life take on that special meaning, the kind of meaning like was revealed to me at sisters' on wednesday. But for now, if there is one relationship which i need that special meaning revealed NOW, it is my relationship with You, Father. God, I have tried of my own efforts to draw near to you, even when I was counseled that it could not be done, I, in my own efforts and vanity, tried to get close to You. But God, i confess that i'm tired and exhausted and wasted from my own efforts. I need you to come near.
I thought that people were spending superfluous time celebrating what I once viewed as needless and made-up-to-be-untolerably-romantic events. This may have taken the form of valentine's or anniversaries or what-not. But my view has changed after sisters'
Over the course of my stay at USC undergrad, i've had the privilege to meet and befriend and grow attached to a body of believers so unprecedentedly closely. So this past wednesday was sisters' appreciation. Last year, USC threw what i thought was the best sisters' appreciation (obvious bias due to my own recomm), with chicken wine dinner, fondue fountains, gifts, the works. I took pride in the creativity of each of the guys, their participation, and our ability to put on a great night!
This year was drastically different. Our membership had grown so quickly (could ONLY be the work of God as answer to prayer) And as sisters' approached, God showed me a different way to view them. In the community that I have come to love through ReComm, knowing that the girls comprised of now more than half our membership, i was filled with a different passion. Not to put on a great sisters' appreciation night but for our sisters to genuinely enjoy and relax in a night in which the guys take up the work. With this kind of attitude, the planning, at least for me, became so free-flowing. Not thinking about the PRESSURE of putting on a great night, but remembering that each girl here was a precious GIFT God had given to me in our SC community, i wanted to honor them and give them the best night of their school years.
To what degree the SC guys accomplished that is really only up to the SC girls to judge. But... i made a connection that night. Anniversaries and romantic days i thought extraneous before... (100-days, 1-month, 6-month anniversaries, valentines, etc etc) There is a reason for them. Perhaps i was just too young and naive before to appreciate those days in this way. SC ReComm has shown me that it's not a burden to remember and celebrate, but if i cherish a particular something (be it a girl or ReComm), it should be natural.
It excites me. To think that i have yet to feel this way for some one/people. To be so utterly grateful always for the person(s) in my life. And it won't always be confined to romance. Even just to realize on a complete different plane of experience how precious my friends are, or my family; i can't wait!
So God,
I await Your appointed time for which those relationships in my life take on that special meaning, the kind of meaning like was revealed to me at sisters' on wednesday. But for now, if there is one relationship which i need that special meaning revealed NOW, it is my relationship with You, Father. God, I have tried of my own efforts to draw near to you, even when I was counseled that it could not be done, I, in my own efforts and vanity, tried to get close to You. But God, i confess that i'm tired and exhausted and wasted from my own efforts. I need you to come near.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
When I Feel Like I'm at an Impasse
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Remembering that God is in Control
I am so weak of faith. I still see myself planning and organizing my agendas according to my timetable, when in fact God has proven to me that its not my schedule He runs by but His own. So... here's what's been happening in the past few days/weeks in my head:
The first time God showed His own agenda for Recomm: When I thought and worried and stressed about potentially having to take the role of LA Recomm Leader/ praise leader, God showed me that He works according to His plans. His Work is SOOOO much grander than our projections of it. He showed me that my place was not something so limited and obvious as just becoming the LA leader/praise, but He had plans to birth another ministry entirely on my own home campus!! That is an endeavor no one had predicted. But as a junior, so timid and weak and fearful, yet driven by a GLDI-sized faith in God, I was ready to walk alongside Him and work at SC Recomm!
As time went on, however, and leadership changed, and I come to my last semester at USC, my Recomm- ambitions and faith had shrunk. I had run myself into a rut: everything was the same. The same members, the same bible study, even the same yearly event schedule (fall: olympics, banquet, happy together, sisters... etc). Even more so, I began to think... will SC Recomm next year be juniors leading bible study to other juniors/seniors? Will half our membership graduate with no one to fill its vaccuum?
And then God showed me again... He is faithful, and His plans are greater than mine. I think God really intended to encourage me these past few weeks and restore me to a stronger faith in Him. As soon as I had written down on my teuksae prayer request... for SC Recomm growth, that very week our membership doubles out of nowhere. What amazes me most is... the members in our Recomm who brought newcomers out have probably had those relationships for months, maybe even years. But it was THAT particular week, when God really chose to speak. My interpretation is that He acted during the week of Teuksae in order to speak to me, specifically and individually, whose faith had grown so small in the God who provides, and leave NO DOUBT that my efforts are in HIS grand plan, and not the other way around.
So how does this apply to the now?
I've been fearful. Fearful that if I don't pursue what I want immediately, that I won't have it ever. My wants have been so strong. And my wants have not been bathed in prayer. I already see myself going down a road where I would run myself into further ruts by the work of my own power. But I want to take a different approach. "Holy" ambitions can be corrupt. And I am not a finished product... I see much more refining to be done.
So for now, I take it in faith that God will bring me back to my desires when He sees me ready for them. And I travel the road laid before me... without another hesitation.
(wow... that last bit... talk about abstract)
God, You have shown me how faithful You are.
You have shown me that my efforts, my dreams, and my ambitions are all a fraction of the greater story You are writing. I want to remember always that You are the God who provides. That You know better than I. Always. So increase my faith God, to place my trust in you and find joy in knowing I do not travel into hardship alone. =D
The first time God showed His own agenda for Recomm: When I thought and worried and stressed about potentially having to take the role of LA Recomm Leader/ praise leader, God showed me that He works according to His plans. His Work is SOOOO much grander than our projections of it. He showed me that my place was not something so limited and obvious as just becoming the LA leader/praise, but He had plans to birth another ministry entirely on my own home campus!! That is an endeavor no one had predicted. But as a junior, so timid and weak and fearful, yet driven by a GLDI-sized faith in God, I was ready to walk alongside Him and work at SC Recomm!
As time went on, however, and leadership changed, and I come to my last semester at USC, my Recomm- ambitions and faith had shrunk. I had run myself into a rut: everything was the same. The same members, the same bible study, even the same yearly event schedule (fall: olympics, banquet, happy together, sisters... etc). Even more so, I began to think... will SC Recomm next year be juniors leading bible study to other juniors/seniors? Will half our membership graduate with no one to fill its vaccuum?
And then God showed me again... He is faithful, and His plans are greater than mine. I think God really intended to encourage me these past few weeks and restore me to a stronger faith in Him. As soon as I had written down on my teuksae prayer request... for SC Recomm growth, that very week our membership doubles out of nowhere. What amazes me most is... the members in our Recomm who brought newcomers out have probably had those relationships for months, maybe even years. But it was THAT particular week, when God really chose to speak. My interpretation is that He acted during the week of Teuksae in order to speak to me, specifically and individually, whose faith had grown so small in the God who provides, and leave NO DOUBT that my efforts are in HIS grand plan, and not the other way around.
So how does this apply to the now?
I've been fearful. Fearful that if I don't pursue what I want immediately, that I won't have it ever. My wants have been so strong. And my wants have not been bathed in prayer. I already see myself going down a road where I would run myself into further ruts by the work of my own power. But I want to take a different approach. "Holy" ambitions can be corrupt. And I am not a finished product... I see much more refining to be done.
So for now, I take it in faith that God will bring me back to my desires when He sees me ready for them. And I travel the road laid before me... without another hesitation.
(wow... that last bit... talk about abstract)
God, You have shown me how faithful You are.
You have shown me that my efforts, my dreams, and my ambitions are all a fraction of the greater story You are writing. I want to remember always that You are the God who provides. That You know better than I. Always. So increase my faith God, to place my trust in you and find joy in knowing I do not travel into hardship alone. =D
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Luke 7:1-10... Jesus Heals a Centurion's Servant
"1When Jesus had finished saying all this in the hearing of the people, he entered Capernaum. 2There a centurion's servant, whom his master valued highly, was sick and about to die. 3The centurion heard of Jesus and sent some elders of the Jews to him, asking him to come and heal his servant. 4When they came to Jesus, they pleaded earnestly with him, "This man deserves to have you do this, 5because he loves our nation and has built our synagogue." 6So Jesus went with them.
He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: "Lord, don't trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. 7That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. 8For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."
9When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, "I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel." 10Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well.
What a role model! When I examine the text, I pick up on a number of things.
First: Biblical Authority: 99 soldiers could easily overpower one captain, but the concept of authority means that the 99 will listen. Pastor David's seminar on authority: a 4-ton truck running at 80mph will stop to an immediate halt in the face of a 130lb woman police officer, even though the truck can easily run over the woman, because of authority. The Centurion has experience with authority, but he seems also to be a captain of soldiers who respect him.
Second: The Centurion merely hears of Jesus' exploits and is desperate enough to trust based on hearsay. This seems to imply that he has reached a point of utter hopelessness, so much so that he is jumping at any way to heal his servant.
Third: The Centurion lived a life of peace and harmony, maybe even friendship with the Jewish elders of Capernaum. Despite being a soldier for the Roman army, the Centurion has contacts among Jewish leaders who would care enough to help him heal his servant. Already, the Centurion's desperation leads the Jewish leaders to leave an open mind about Jesus as the Christ (i assume). Though the text does not say, the Roman Centurion's faith might have served as a way of proselytizing indirectly. Seeing their Roman friend desperate enough to clutch to Jesus for healing of his servant, the Jews must have looked on in anticipation. Would it be too far a stretch to think that a few of these Jewish elders came to see Jesus as the Messiah as the Centurion did?
Fourth: The Jewish, religious heads have the wrong notion of worth. One would expect that the religious elders would be fully aware that no one is deserving of grace or mercy or healing, but the Jewish religious leaders plead the Centurion's case as one who has accomplished enough to deserve this miracle. The resume of having built the synagogue and loving the nation, they assume, is enough to warrant the grace of God toward his servant. Ironic that the people who should understand grace and mercy best have the worst idea of it.
Fifth: The Roman soldier, the Centurion is the one who actually has the concept of worth right. He realizes that he is undeserving, despite his spiritual resume, to have his friend/servant healed. So humble is he, that he sends friends to stop inconveniencing the Messiah from taking further steps toward his home. Perhaps out of a fear that he knows he is filthy in light of the Messiah, he clutches to Jesus as his hope but simultaneously fears his righteousness for he knows he is unrighteous.
Sixth: The text does not mention a Jesus amazed by the Centurion's works: building the synagogue or loving the nation. Most people would be tempted to believe that someone who would invest into building the religious house of worship for another people group might be considered charitable and worthy of praise, but Jesus does not even lift a brow at the mention of it. Nor does he care whether the Roman loves the Jewish nation/people. What amazes him is the faith of the Centurion, a faith enough to say that God is Lord over life and death, master over it to the extent that he can heal from afar.
Closing thoughts: I feel that more and more, I've been considering myself worthy. That I've built my own synagogues and have worked my way into deserving a place in front of the Savior. But the centurion reminds me that it is the meek who will inherit the earth.
God,
I want to understand Your authority more and more. I want to understand that your authority reigns not over my personal life, or my church life, but in the smallest areas. I don't want to submit only the obvious areas of my life to Your authority, but You deserve to be Lord over the tiniest things of my life. Teach me to submit to Your authority and to quit depending on my own.
Also, teach me to genuinely humble. Not humble so that I can appear humble. But in light of the Cross, I ask a dangerous prayer of being shown just how wicked and filthy I am. So that I will be utterly hopeless but to the cling to the cross. Show me God that I am undeserving, but in grace and mercy I have received.
Finally, God would you increase my faith. There are areas of my life which I cannot let go of. Some places of my life I hold to be of too high a price to let go. God remind me that You are far more capable of managing my life than I am. You are good, in both my strong and weak faith, but God would you grace me to increase my faith, to more relish in the sovereignty of God over my life.
In Christ's name,
Amen
He was not far from the house when the centurion sent friends to say to him: "Lord, don't trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. 7That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. 8For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."
9When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, "I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel." 10Then the men who had been sent returned to the house and found the servant well.
What a role model! When I examine the text, I pick up on a number of things.
First: Biblical Authority: 99 soldiers could easily overpower one captain, but the concept of authority means that the 99 will listen. Pastor David's seminar on authority: a 4-ton truck running at 80mph will stop to an immediate halt in the face of a 130lb woman police officer, even though the truck can easily run over the woman, because of authority. The Centurion has experience with authority, but he seems also to be a captain of soldiers who respect him.
Second: The Centurion merely hears of Jesus' exploits and is desperate enough to trust based on hearsay. This seems to imply that he has reached a point of utter hopelessness, so much so that he is jumping at any way to heal his servant.
Third: The Centurion lived a life of peace and harmony, maybe even friendship with the Jewish elders of Capernaum. Despite being a soldier for the Roman army, the Centurion has contacts among Jewish leaders who would care enough to help him heal his servant. Already, the Centurion's desperation leads the Jewish leaders to leave an open mind about Jesus as the Christ (i assume). Though the text does not say, the Roman Centurion's faith might have served as a way of proselytizing indirectly. Seeing their Roman friend desperate enough to clutch to Jesus for healing of his servant, the Jews must have looked on in anticipation. Would it be too far a stretch to think that a few of these Jewish elders came to see Jesus as the Messiah as the Centurion did?
Fourth: The Jewish, religious heads have the wrong notion of worth. One would expect that the religious elders would be fully aware that no one is deserving of grace or mercy or healing, but the Jewish religious leaders plead the Centurion's case as one who has accomplished enough to deserve this miracle. The resume of having built the synagogue and loving the nation, they assume, is enough to warrant the grace of God toward his servant. Ironic that the people who should understand grace and mercy best have the worst idea of it.
Fifth: The Roman soldier, the Centurion is the one who actually has the concept of worth right. He realizes that he is undeserving, despite his spiritual resume, to have his friend/servant healed. So humble is he, that he sends friends to stop inconveniencing the Messiah from taking further steps toward his home. Perhaps out of a fear that he knows he is filthy in light of the Messiah, he clutches to Jesus as his hope but simultaneously fears his righteousness for he knows he is unrighteous.
Sixth: The text does not mention a Jesus amazed by the Centurion's works: building the synagogue or loving the nation. Most people would be tempted to believe that someone who would invest into building the religious house of worship for another people group might be considered charitable and worthy of praise, but Jesus does not even lift a brow at the mention of it. Nor does he care whether the Roman loves the Jewish nation/people. What amazes him is the faith of the Centurion, a faith enough to say that God is Lord over life and death, master over it to the extent that he can heal from afar.
Closing thoughts: I feel that more and more, I've been considering myself worthy. That I've built my own synagogues and have worked my way into deserving a place in front of the Savior. But the centurion reminds me that it is the meek who will inherit the earth.
God,
I want to understand Your authority more and more. I want to understand that your authority reigns not over my personal life, or my church life, but in the smallest areas. I don't want to submit only the obvious areas of my life to Your authority, but You deserve to be Lord over the tiniest things of my life. Teach me to submit to Your authority and to quit depending on my own.
Also, teach me to genuinely humble. Not humble so that I can appear humble. But in light of the Cross, I ask a dangerous prayer of being shown just how wicked and filthy I am. So that I will be utterly hopeless but to the cling to the cross. Show me God that I am undeserving, but in grace and mercy I have received.
Finally, God would you increase my faith. There are areas of my life which I cannot let go of. Some places of my life I hold to be of too high a price to let go. God remind me that You are far more capable of managing my life than I am. You are good, in both my strong and weak faith, but God would you grace me to increase my faith, to more relish in the sovereignty of God over my life.
In Christ's name,
Amen
Sunday, January 3, 2010
New Year's Resolutions
So... it's 2010. Normally i'm not one for New Year's resolutions... but following Urbana, and following Retreat, i've been convicted to make a few commitments. So here they go:
1. More intimacy with God. I commit not to go online or pick up any phone calls each day until I've done my QT.
2. Work toward financial independence. Goal: 50% independence by Dec 31st, 2010.
3. Exercise & diet. Reach target fitness and cut-ness!!!
4. Finish the race that is school well. No slacking in the last semester. Take advantage of everything
1. More intimacy with God. I commit not to go online or pick up any phone calls each day until I've done my QT.
2. Work toward financial independence. Goal: 50% independence by Dec 31st, 2010.
3. Exercise & diet. Reach target fitness and cut-ness!!!
4. Finish the race that is school well. No slacking in the last semester. Take advantage of everything
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Rejoicing in Weakness
Earlier today, i wanted to write on the topic of jealousy. But now, i think i have a more pressing concern: helplessness. Throughout the events that have occurred in my life... i've come to feel very disempowered, and at times utterly helpless.
I could write libraries' worth of pages on the topic of the stripping of power and independence and authority, but I shall spare the stories to avoid indulging in hate. But I just want to write out this prayer of surrender:
Father God,
You have promised to work for the good of those who love You. I want to make claim on that promise. In so many arenas of my life, I feel things are out of my control. I feel I've been led by the hand into a corner with no escape, all the while people expect me to burst forth and create my own escape. The future is uncertain and even though I have made steps to walk out in faith, nothing has changed. God, if You mean to change me, would you transform me as quickly as You would. And if circumstance is to change, please change them hastily. I hate being at another person's mercy and whim. God allow me a glimpse of the fruit to be borne of this suffering, even if i cannot obtain that fruit right now. In my wretched and pathetic helplessness, I come broken and defeated to the foot of the Cross. May I rest in the shadow of the Cross and emerge empowered in the Holy Spirit. May I die to all other hopes but Christ alone.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9
I could write libraries' worth of pages on the topic of the stripping of power and independence and authority, but I shall spare the stories to avoid indulging in hate. But I just want to write out this prayer of surrender:
Father God,
You have promised to work for the good of those who love You. I want to make claim on that promise. In so many arenas of my life, I feel things are out of my control. I feel I've been led by the hand into a corner with no escape, all the while people expect me to burst forth and create my own escape. The future is uncertain and even though I have made steps to walk out in faith, nothing has changed. God, if You mean to change me, would you transform me as quickly as You would. And if circumstance is to change, please change them hastily. I hate being at another person's mercy and whim. God allow me a glimpse of the fruit to be borne of this suffering, even if i cannot obtain that fruit right now. In my wretched and pathetic helplessness, I come broken and defeated to the foot of the Cross. May I rest in the shadow of the Cross and emerge empowered in the Holy Spirit. May I die to all other hopes but Christ alone.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9
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