Revelations over the Past Couple Weeks

I am slowly beginning to see just how God has been molding me and using the circumstances of my life to teach the things He wants me to learn. And everyday, it's a heart-wrenching battle because I see more and more the depths of depravity of my soul and flesh. But there is a positive side to it. I'm beginning to truly understand what surrender means. Praise the Lord!

Over the last couple weeks, God's been honing my discernment over my own motives. The motives that I take to ALL actions. It's like this example I heard awhile back and gave at my visit to USC ReComm: "If someone compliments you, and you deny the compliment KNOWING it'll only bring affirmation from the giver of the compliment, are you being modest and humble, or are you fishing for more?" This one is really easy to see. But God has been showing me that I've been on the surface level doing SOOO many things like that. Passing off my acts as one thing, but the motives of my heart are altogether somewhere else.

And the clearer a picture I get of my motives, the true state of my wickedness is revealed to me. I cannot be self-less. I cannot be loving. I cannot be wise. And all seems hopeless. And that is why, my QT's have been so refreshing. Yes, it's only been about four or five days since I've taken this new attitude to QT's, but since then, I've been blown away by the freshness of Scripture, my growing love for it, and my growing dependence. When I wake up, remind myself that my own wretchedness is beyond description, and question... "Patrick how long do you think you're gonna last on your own strength?" I immediately RUN to Scripture. Perhaps this sounds cliche, but as this blog has become a journal of sorts for me, I wanted to record this attitude for future reminder.

If I were to attempt an analysis of why this particular time, this realization hit home, I would say it's because of this realization: I had been depending on my "time" as a Christian to carry me through my walk. Born-again Christian for 9, almost 10 years, serving at church since senior year high school, heavily involved in college ministry, etc etc...Ultimately, the things add up to a not-so-modest spiritual resume. And subconsciously, I had seen myself "expecting" to have grown because it's been so long. Now, this sounds like a common struggle, and perhaps it is, but when not just the head realizes, but the HEART does as well, it's a period of brokenness.

What's funny is that when you "expect" to have grown, you behave like you did grow. And when you "feel" like you've grown, you lose that aspect of surrender. You're suddenly slightly more knowledgeable, slightly more "pure," slightly more everything good. And when you, of your own, are slightly more everything good, the obvious consequence is that you need less of Christ.Yes, yes, yes. It's cliche, You've heard it all before. But for me, this will be a constant struggle to live in REMEMBRANCE of this realization. Will I constantly be checking myself, running away from the fleshy desires of superficial surface-level spiritual maturation?

I see the work God is doing. I've been praying for my spiritual eyes to be opened, and I see that in one dimension He is opening my eyes to be sensitive to my own motivations. My flesh hates to be in that state of surrender, that state of helplessness, but my soul rejoices and every morning I truly experience the Lord's new mercies.

Father God,
Thank you for having worked behind the scenes in my life to give me that sensitivity into my own heart. Thank you for revealing to me the true nature of my wickedness once again. And I thank you for being my comfort and joy and my redeeming salvation despite that wickedness. In Jesus' name, would you seal the work you have done? May I remember always this experience of brokenness, and this experience of total hopelessness. Not just to be bummed out, but to have that desperation to look for a Redeemer. To never have the audacity to think I can stand on my own. But it's by mercy and grace alone that I have the HOPE to continue INTO CHRIST'S PERFECTION! In my life, may my weaknesses be magnified, so that YOUR strength be glorified.